L.A. Can't Drive » road rage

Angry Native Dumbass in Ford Expedition

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:51:40 +0000

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The aggressive jackass driving this old dark green Ford Expedition is another clueless native (license plate 3VWH) who seems to have a difficult time grasping the concept of heavy traffic. We were on the 5 Fwy N coming back from Disneyland when this dumbass started riding our rear in heavy, bumper-to-bumper traffic. I don’t know what’s up with drivers today, but the freeways all day were consistently congested due to one accident after another. Tonight was no exception, but for some reason this stupid piece of horse sh*t was bumper-humping our car as if we were the sole reason why traffic was crawling along at 15 MPH. We switched lanes to our right to let this guy “pass”, at which point in time he audibly gunned his engine for a whole 30 feet!! before grinding to a halt behind the car that was formerly in front of us. I honestly have no idea what goes on in the head of lesser lifeforms like this guy. Seriously, what was he trying to achieve, other than showing other drivers how he was born with a dick so small that his closeted wife constantly confuses it for a large clitoris?

The Archetype of Grumpy Old Men in Caddy

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 02:16:51 +0000

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This angry, geriatric piece of horse sh*t gets fast-tracked to today’s post. I see fungi like this driving around the west side all the time, but it’s been awhile since I encountered a prick this bad in the Valley. I was traveling east on Camarillo taking my son home from his grandparents’ house and was coasting to a red light at Lankershim/Vineland when out of the corner of my eye, I saw this short old fart with thick glasses peel out from behind me in his Cadillac (license plate 6EKS***), use the left turn only lane to our left to pass, honk at me when he was next to me, and then veer right in front. I started laughing as I honked back and mouthed, “Are you serious?” Where did he want to go so quickly? There was a red light directly in front of us. I started gesturing, “Where do you think you’re actually trying to go?” at which point in time he held up his right hand over his rearview mirror for me to see. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was actually giving me the finger….well, it was more like “the hand”, since his arthritic digits clearly can’t formulate a proper bird to flip off other drivers. Reason no. 184 why this guy is a grumpy old man. Right after I took this photo, a cop car pulled up to his left into the turn only lane. I then saw him glance back at me, at which time I pointed at the cop and then mimed whether or not he wanted me to call the police and alert them of his aggressive driving. Once the light turned green, this impatient, decrepit jackass clearly didn’t learn his lesson and started to bumper hump the car that was in front of him. At each subsequent red light, I flashed a smiled and waved at him, which I’m sure infuriated him further, since the proximity of our cars was perfect proof that driving like an egocentric, aggressive dickwad gets you nowhere fast. Angry and senile…someone needs to pull this guy’s license immediately. Let him die embittered and alone rather than put the lives of other commuters on the road at risk. I can only imagine how this guy drives once he’s on the freeway…oy.

Angry, Clueless Blonde in Civic

I-95, U-405 — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 06:44:40 +0000

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Here’s another Honda Civic that needs to be stripped down for parts. Seriously, someone get this angry bitch off the road. This impatient blonde dingbat would not quit riding my ass on Magnolia in N. Hollywood. She wasn’t even hot, which would have at least made it tolerable to see her exasperated face in my rearview mirror. Seriously, if I can see your oily skin and split ends with just a glance, then you’re driving way too close. Anyway, it’s not like I could’ve gone any faster, what with a car directly in front of me as we were all traveling on the single eastbound lane. Nevertheless, intelligence doesn’t seem to be this girl’s forte (stereotype alert) as she kept weaving to her right in an attempt to actually split the lane in two. You’re in a black Civic, not on a motorcycle you stupid idiot. Anyway, on two separate occasions she also tried to leapfrog at intersections, only to be foiled by cars parked along the curb (damn them!). This picture was taken right after Magnolia split into two lanes, at which time she predictably yanked her wheel to the right and jammed on the accelerator. Good thing she was driving a Honda and not a Toyota, or else that pedal may never leave the metal.

Hollywood Freeway Ranked as America’s Worst Commute

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:00:23 +0000

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So our friends at The Daily Beast recently did a story on America’s 75 Worst Commutes. It comes as no surprise to me that the Hollywood Freeway is ranked as the country’s worst commute. Here’s an excerpt:

#1, Hollywood Freeway, Los Angeles
Weekly hours of bottleneck congestion: 686
Worst bottleneck: Southbound, Vermont Avenue
Length of worst bottleneck: .64 mi
Weekly hours of congestion on worst bottleneck: 77
Speed of worst bottleneck when congested: 14 mph

The expert opinion: “I recall they would say things like it’s a 20-minute trip downtown on the Hollywood Freeway, recalls Metropolitan Transportation Authority chief executive Art Leahy on traffic when he was growing up in Los Angeles. “No one anticipated the congestion that would emerge.”

You know what needs to happen? During next year’s Rose Bowl, the announcers should all of a sudden say, “Hey, Jim, did you feel that?” “Wow, that was a serious jolt.” And then the cameramen should start shaking their cameras to simulate an earthquake. Maybe that’ll reduce the influx of people into this town, which is certainly a factor in our exponentially increasing traffic congestion.

And no, the picture above is not of the Hollywood Freeway (wow, I wish). Rather, it’s the last photo from our trip to San Diego. This guy in his late 20’s on the I-5 South in his Honda Accord was senselessly speeding, weaving, and tailgating without signaling on essentially empty roads by Southern California standards. If you want to go fast, fine. But some people are never happy no matter what the road conditions are like. There’s absolutely no reason to hop around and intimidate other drivers unless you think it’s some kind of sick game. Well, with my 5-month old in the back car seat, I didn’t find this very funny, especially since we weren’t traveling in the fast lane and were already moving at around 75 MPH along with the rest of traffic. Now when you have a town filled with drivers who have this mentality and you add bumper-to-bumper congestion, what you get is real, uncontrollable road rage.

Morons Tailgating and Speeding in Heavy Rain

I-95, U-405 — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 04:58:06 +0000

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

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So we should have pretty good weather this week, aside from Tuesday. That’s good news, because I could certainly use a respite from aggressive, speeding morons who’ve never heard of hydroplaning. These photos were taken on the I-5 North near El Toro in Orange County last week. The gold Buick in Exhibit A and the silver minivan in Exhibit B were easily going 70 MPH in heavy rain and poor visibility in medium traffic. They should’ve been satisfied with the fact that there weren’t any accidents and that cars were moving along at a nice, steady pace. However, old habits die hard, and these tailgating, speeding, non-signaling (minivan), weaving (also minivan) jackasses feel that they could drive exactly the way they normally do in clear, dry conditions. Even if they didn’t care about the well-being of other commuters, these ignoramuses are too dense to realize that they’re putting their own worthless lives in danger. And all for what? For the insatiable need to pass other cars on the freeway, no matter how pointless, at all costs?

Angry Aggressive Pickup in Poor Driving Conditions

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 23:50:35 +0000

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FYI, in case you haven’t guessed it, you can pretty much bet that the next few posts will all be rain-related. I don’t buy the excuse that Southern Californians don’t know how to drive in the rain because they don’t have enough practice. I’m sorry, but we get rain season every year, and this year is particularly bad because of El Nino. I think people here are just clueless as sh*t and don’t learn from their mistakes or the mistakes of others. I mean seriously, the law about having your headlights/taillights on in the rain at all hours of the day has been in effect for years. And people still don’t learn? Do we not watch the news or listen to the radio at all in this town? The broadcasters are constantly reminding people to have their headlights on in the rain because it’s the law. Yet we have so many unbelievably ignorant morons driving around in shizzy road conditions without their low beam headlights on (which, as a commenter noted, also turns on your taillights). You have more people here who know about the latest starlet suffering from bulimia than who know about basic driving laws that have been in effect for years.

Setting knowledge about laws and regulations aside, common sense alone should tell you that you shouldn’t drive like a tailgating, non-signaling, lane-weaving prick in a small-dick-compensating vehicle. The jackass in this white pickup never got the memo, as he was bumper humping our car on the 5 North near the 605 interchange (south of Rosemead Blvd.) in heavy rain this past Monday. The fact that we were keeping a safe distance between ourselves and the car in front was unacceptable, and he proceeded to jerk his pickup to his right, speed up, and cut us off without signaling–to make some primitive point–before starting this aggressive pattern all over again with the next driver. Oh, you big manly man, sending a spray of diarrhea water from your assmobile into our windshield. How I envy your wounded ego. Heavy rain, slippery conditions, poor visibility, and slow traffic–honestly, what’s the point? Then again, these aggressive drivers tend not to be the brightest bulbs of the bunch.

Beware of Aggressive, Young, Straight-Haired, Brunette Posse

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:37:40 +0000

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For the past week, I’ve been encountering extremely aggressive brunette drivers in their early to mid-20’s. To make things stranger, each girl I can remember has straight, shoulder-length hair. This thin, long-faced brunette with sunglasses way too big for her face in a white Corolla (6DUR plate) was no exception. To say that she was sucking on the tailpipes of other drivers like a porn star going down in the Valley is not an exaggeration. She’s not even that close to the car in front of her in this photo compared to other instances I witnessed on today’s commute on the 101 Fwy. And what did she want the other driver to do here? Move over onto the shoulder and let her pass? At one point, our cars were next to each other, and I looked over to see what this senseless weaving, non-signaling, tailgating jackass was all about. And guess what I saw? She was texting. In this brief glance over, I saw her staring at her phone, eyes clearly off the road, when the driver in front of her started to brake. Thankfully this biatch has decent reflexes and managed to hit her brakes a few feet before rear-ending the other driver. I saw her nearly rear-end at least 3 other cars, including the one in this photo, on this short stretch of the 101. Thankfully, she exited at Van Nuys, though she was so impatient to do so that the driver in front of her actually looked like he was towing her off the freeway. People this aggressive will always rationalize driving like an egocentric, frenetic moron…but to do so while texting with your eyes off the road completely baffles me. It’s like going postal with a blindfold on….