L.A. Can't Drive » punk

Leapfrogging Wannabe Punk in Accord

I-95, U-405 — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 08:05:46 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Some people just look the part of asshole driver. The punk with his straight-billed baseball cap (oh, I think the going lingo is “lid” now) and his wannabe I’m a douchebag lean behind the wheel was driving this shizzy Honda Accord (license plate 5TZK) in Sherman Oaks on Burbank Blvd. When you’re just west of Sepulveda, the rightmost lane on Burbank Blvd. is pretty much intended to be a right-turn-only lane. If you go straight, you have the option of turning right into a Shell gas station or plowing directly into the rear of a parked vehicle along the curb. Most drivers around these parts, particularly those who exit the 405 Fwy at Burbank Blvd., already know this fact. And even if you didn’t, the steep downhill slope of the road gives you plenty of visibility of traffic flow and the makeup of the road in front of you. Unfortunately, this is also a favorite leapfrogging spot for egocentric jackasses who all too often treat driving like a pissing contest. In this instance, I was making my way down the slope across Sepulveda Blvd. when I noticed this punk in my rear and sideview mirrors refusing to merge to his left along with the rest of eastbound Burbank traffic. Judging by his speed, I knew he wasn’t heading toward the gas station, so I let up on my accelerator in an act of defensive driving. On the other hand, this punk probably thought I was going to gun it and try to prevent him from “cutting” in front, and I heard him step on his gas pedal and shoot past me to my right, nearly running into the back of parked sedan just east of the gas station driveway. That’s when I got a good look at this insecure, dumb-looking sh*tlet. Anyway, I had no interest in playing a petty racing game with someone who I felt was less evolved than me, and I gave him ample room to move in front (without signaling, of course). Hey, even tapeworms need a win once in awhile.

Illegal Leapfrogging Punk in Chevy HHR

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:08:48 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Sometime last year, the city screwed with the lanes on Wilshire Blvd. by Sepulveda and the 405 Fwy on/off-ramps in Brentwood. Previously, if you were going east toward the freeway in the #1 lane, you had the option of either going straight or making a left to go north on Sepulveda. A green arrow helped to facilitate this turn. Now, in a feeble and naive attempt to reduce traffic congestion, they made the #1 lane a left turn only lane–you see the sign and the fat dotted white lane markings about two hundred yards before the Wilshire/Sepulveda intersection. Let’s be real…this is L.A. Late afternoon/evening rush hour commuters quickly learned that the #1 lane moved faster than all the other eastbound lanes on Wilshire and use it to pass as many cars as possible before changing lanes to their right. Essentially, a mind-numbing bottleneck was created, making traffic even worse in this area. Way to go, councilmembers. Anyway, as annoying as this is for a lot of the other drivers who patiently wait in the #2 lane to go east on Wilshire past the 405, it’s not illegal…unless you pull a selfish, asinine stunt like the punk in this crappy Chevy HHR (license plate 6JPT). Both he and the driver in front of him (not photographed) didn’t switch over from the #1 lane to the #2 lane earlier like most other drivers. In fact, by the time he reached the Sepulveda intersection, he was still in the left turn only lane. This arrogant piece of dessicated gonad then drove his Moby Dick of a vehicle forward, crossed Sepulveda, and ignored yellow hatched lines (that represent a raised concrete median) in front of him before continuing east on Wilshire. Clearly, passing about 100 cars wasn’t good enough for this fu*kwad, and he felt completely entitled to pull a blatantly egocentric and illegal maneuver. If the city really needs to raise some extra cash, they should park some traffic cops by this intersection on a random evening commute. It’ll be like shooting ducks in a barrel.

Tailgating Poser Punk in Shizzy Corolla

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 04:54:17 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Last Sunday, we decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and head up to the Santa Barbara Zoo. Traffic was light and moving along nicely. We were traveling in the #1 lane of the 101 Fwy N, and all the cars in this lane were moving along at a nice clip (75 to 80 MPH). And before any knee-jerk, defend-L.A.-at-all-cost naysayers start saying that slower traffic needs to move to the right, I should add that we were easily in the fastest moving lane on the freeway, and cars were more or less safely spaced out. Then enter stage right the jackhole in the shizzy Toyota Corolla. This tailgating punk in his late 20s with dark spiky hair was riding our ass pretty hard before he swerved to his right, glared at us as he sped past, and cut back in front (without signaling, naturally). Oh, did I mention that we were going 75 to 80 along with the other cars in this lane? Needless to say, this impatient fu*kwad then starts bumper humping the car that was previously in front of us. If you think the SUV in the #2 lane is riding close to the Penske truck, I should add that this gelled up moron in the Corolla was tailgating even harder at 5-10 MPH faster than the SUV. Seriously, what did this idiot want to accomplish? Did he really think he deserved to speed as fast as he wanted in the #1 lane, parting the entire litany of cars in front of him in the process? The silly thing about all this is that he actually exited the freeway only a couple miles later, solidifying his oblivious asshole status. Oh, I should also add that he was sucking the tailpipe of the car that was exiting in front of him on the off-ramp.

New California Booster Law in Effect on January 1, 2012

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:15:03 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

There is a new California booster law going in effect on January 1, 2012, which states that children under 8 or children under 4 feet 9 inches in height (including children 8 or older) must be buckled into a booster seat in the back seat. Previously, the booster law stated that only children 6 and under or who weighed 60 pounds or less had to remain in a booster seat. Of course, this won’t matter a bit to oblivious parents like the moron I encountered last week who was driving around with his daughter who couldn’t have been older than 5 in the front seat. She was so short, the seat belt looked like it was wrapping around her chin. Let’s just hope law enforcement will be more alert regarding enforcing this new law unlike previous safety laws and regulations that have passed in the past.

Moving along, the above photo deals with two dicks in their twenties in a small SUV with vanity plates (starts with KCH). As always, you need to be extra mindful of drivers with vanity plates; the higher correlation between vanity plates and bad driving is unmistakable in this town. The post-Christmas morning rush hour roads were still empty, and traffic was moving along Burbank at around 45 MPH, 10 MPH above the posted speed limit. These impatient asswads still felt the need to flex the puny muscle in their pathetic mini gas-guzzler by riding the ass of any driver in front of them in both the #1 and #2 eastbound lanes. They never signaled as they zigzagged between cars, yet they really never made any headway as I easily caught up to them at each subsequent red light. They should probably ease up on the erratic weaving and braking, since I passed by one of their gonads that flew out the window.

Impatient Weaving Punk in Toyota Corolla

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 06:13:53 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Yo, bro, go on trollin’ the streets with yo’ hard self and yo’ bad ass Corolla (license plate 6MWX). This gym rat in his late 20′s/early 30′s was erratically zigzagging without signaling along Victory Blvd. during rush hour, trying to find the lane of least resistance. Yeah, good luck with that moron. Obviously, he didn’t make any headway with his incessant tailgating, and we snapped this photo at a red light near Van Nuys. Instead of impatiently cutting off other drivers and contributing to the congestion by adding unnecessary brake lights to everyone’s commute, this closeted J-Beebs fan should just stick to one friggen lane and quietly rock out to “Baby” as if he were listening to Tupac. Oh, by the way, someone should tell this foo’ to turn on his headlights at dusk. If he doesn’t change his senseless aggressive driving, at least he’ll be more visible to other drivers who actually do check their rear and sideview mirrors.

Texting Moron in Audi During Rush Hour

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:19:40 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

When I first started this blog five years ago, Mustang and Escalade drivers took the top prize for being the biggest dicks on the road. Since then, Audi drivers have clearly become the most egregious, aggressive, arrogant drivers on the road in my book. Give me a locker room lineup, and I will bet you that the guy with the smallest dick is an Audi driver. Too harsh? OK, he can have big balls; I’m feeling generous tonight. Anyway, this particular punk sported a bushy mustache that would make Tom Selleck blush. From what I saw, he wasn’t your typical aggressive Audi driver (license plate 6SVH), though we didn’t share the road for more than a couple blocks. I took this photo waiting in traffic on Van Nuys during afternoon rush hour just before the 101 Fwy overpass. See the big painted KEEP CLEAR signs? Well, most drivers here either don’t see it or don’t care about blocking intersections. I was stopped at the limit line, along with the cars in front of the Audi and the new Honda Civic (who didn’t do much better than the Audi driver here). We allowed left-turning cars going southbound on Van Nuys to turn in front of us onto a side street. When those cars cleared, there was room in two of the three lanes for one, and only one, car to move up and clear the intersection completely. This bushy-lipped punk was too busy texting on his phone to pay attention to what other drivers were doing around him (ie. keeping the intersection clear, allowing other cars to pass in front, etc.) that he just blindly followed the white pickup. And these people are the very ones who claim that they aren’t distracted and can “multitask” when they text on their cell phones while they drive. Bull-frackin’-sh*t, I say. What if this guy was just impatient and clueless, and he thought that moving twenty feet closer to a red light would expedite his commute? Well, when the light turned green, this punk just kept on texting. In fact, he didn’t even keep up with the rest of the cars in front of him and started crawling along on Van Nuys. Hell, he didn’t even have his eyes on the road….talk about behaviors that just fuel road rage in other drivers during rush hour.

Aggressive Arm Danglers Never Signal

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 06:23:00 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

I went through my archives and found this photo taken on Melrose in Hollywood a couple months ago. Someone wrote to me the other day asking what was up with all these punks dangling their arms out their windows like limp dicks while they drive. That doesn’t really bother me as much as people who do this instead of signaling, as if either reaching over with their right hand was too much effort or getting melanoma on their arms was more important than communicating with other drivers. Needless to say, this particular jackass in this Acura (license plate 6DMT for Deficient Male Testicles) opted to grasp the roof of his car instead. He was consistently and erratically weaving without signaling between cars, refusing to commit to a lane, while tailgating any driver that had the audacity to be in front of him. And naturally, he didn’t make any headway by driving like a chicken with its head cut off.