L.A. Can't Drive » honking

Boorish Half-Wit in Caravan Can’t Read Lane Markings

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 06:08:22 +0000

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What’s worse than an aggressive asswipe? An aggressive asswipe who’s also an imbecile. My family and I were exiting the 101 Fwy North at Van Nuys in Sherman Oaks and were in the left of two left-turn lanes at the base of the off-ramp at the light. This bald, middle-aged, mustached jackass in what I think was a bronze, shizzy Dodge Caravan (license plate 5JED) was to our right. As the light turned green, we started our turn; suddenly, this toolbag starts veering into our lane as we were turning and started leaning on his horn. Apparently, genius here thought that we were entering into his turning lane instead of following…hmm, I don’t know….let’s say the friggen lane markings? Granted, the dotted white lane markings that guide left-turning vehicles from this off-ramp need to be repainted, but make no mistake that it’s crystal clear that vehicles in our lane merge into the #1 lane of southbound traffic on Van Nuys. I will say that this is the first time we’ve encountered this particular scenario at this off-ramp, which we frequent at least once a week. Nonetheless, the inability to follow lane markings or the blatant disregard for such lane markings is a common occurrence in L.A. A show of hands from anyone who’s been passed by a speeding jackass ignoring a right turn only lane at an intersection? Anywho, this aggressive half-wit actually thought that the appropriate lane for us to merge into on Van Nuys was the southbound left turn only lane that would’ve taken us back onto the 101 Fwy–going south. Um, yeah…the roads in this town are poorly designed, but they’re not that bad. Here’s the kicker, this moron needed to be in the #2 southbound lane on Van Nuys anyway, as you can clearly see in this photo (after we changed lanes to our right a few hundred feet later); he eventually made a right turn onto Moorpark…..sooooo, why were you trying to get into the #1 lane on Van Nuys, nearly causing an accident in the process? Another fine testimony to his sub-par cognitive abilities.

Jackass in Jetta Needs a Chill Pill

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 08:35:38 +0000

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Wow, can we say total fat dick with a bushy goatee? This impatient, dumbass in his 30s clearly needs to find a better way to get over his frustrations with a rush hour commute. First off, all this happened during early rush hour at best–it wasn’t even 5 p.m. However, this jackass somehow felt the need to will the parade of cars in front of him on single-laned Beverly Glen to go faster by tailgating the driver directly in front of him. At one point near Mulholland, the car in front either wasn’t moving fast enough or wasn’t tailgating the driver in front of him/her that this toolish troll actually honked. Really? Seriously? I mean anyone with half a brain–fu*k that…a quarter of a brain–can see 50 feet ahead and realize that no one is getting anywhere faster than the way traffic was already moving at that very second. So calm the hell down, Klondike. At one point, during this canyon commute, traffic was really crawling. Apparently this guy was way too antsy because he then pulled out a cigarette, either to calm his nerves or do something…I suppose tailgating at 2 MPH loses its charm. On a side note, from one former smoker to all present smokers out there, do us all a favor: if you have to smoke in your car, can you do the decency of ashing and putting out your butt in your car? Yes, we’ve had a lot of rain recently, but we’ve also had a few hot, dry days in a row. How many fires do you really need to see on the news to get you to do the right thing? If you must ash out the window, at least don’t do it in the canyons, aka fire traps, where often there is only one entrance/exit to a given community of homes.

Honking Hypocrite in Brown Lemon

I-95, U-405 — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 06:13:15 +0000

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I don’t know the make or model of this old bronzerrhea-colored sedan, but I know that the bitchy lady wearing the shmata was much too young to be the original owner of this vehicle (license plate 2RLV). Maybe she’s a transplant who bought a really shizzy used car or was driving a hand-me-down, but this impatient vagoid started viciously honking at us and bumper humping like a dog in heat on Beverly (just west of La Brea) when we slowed down for someone who was absentmindedly opening the door of her parked vehicle into the path of oncoming traffic. Maybe she was just a PMS’ing biatch….fine, I can handle that. But when we changed lanes to our left to get out of her way, she just kept cruising at the same speed as everyone else. Sooo….what’s the bloody rush? Or were you just honking for spite and out of sexual frustration? I find that “fish” decal on her trunk highly hypocritical, particularly since she just exhibited very un-Christian behavior. I personally don’t believe in hell, but I’m guess that she does. Food for thought, perhaps?

Honking, Tailgating, Impatient Gravel Hauler

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 05:04:59 +0000

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This one really got my goat. OK, no I don’t own any farm animals, but I’ve always wanted to use that expression in something I’ve written. So there we are. This was taken sometime last week on the 101 Fwy South. We were cruising along in traffic that was moving quite nicely when we suddenly heard the honking horn of this impatient, road raging gravel-hauler. It was traveling in the second to slowest lane on the freeway behind some clueless jackass in a minivan that was traveling around 55 to 60 MPH and driving considerably slower than everyone else around him. So, yes, a big thumbs down for the oblivious driver in the minivan. If he were going to drive that slow, he should’ve at least been in the slowest lane of traffic. And if the minivan driver feels that cars on the freeway are moving too fast for him to keep up, then maybe he shouldn’t be on the freeway in the first place. Regardless, that doesn’t give the driver of this multi-ton vehicle the right to honk and viciously tailgate another vehicle on the road. I didn’t get a good look at the license plate or the name of the company associated with the vehicle, or else I most certainly would have reported him to his employers. Needless to say, this was taken on Monday, August 2, at around 2:30 PM, in case some random owner of a construction company happens to read this post and knows that one of the company’s employees was on the 101 Fwy S (between the 405 and the 134) around this time. It’s a long shot, I know, but it’s worth a try, especially since this driver clearly has some anger management issues and needs a serious reality check on road responsibility. We snapped this photo after the truck managed to pass the “offending” vehicle.

The Archetype of Grumpy Old Men in Caddy

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 02:16:51 +0000

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This angry, geriatric piece of horse sh*t gets fast-tracked to today’s post. I see fungi like this driving around the west side all the time, but it’s been awhile since I encountered a prick this bad in the Valley. I was traveling east on Camarillo taking my son home from his grandparents’ house and was coasting to a red light at Lankershim/Vineland when out of the corner of my eye, I saw this short old fart with thick glasses peel out from behind me in his Cadillac (license plate 6EKS***), use the left turn only lane to our left to pass, honk at me when he was next to me, and then veer right in front. I started laughing as I honked back and mouthed, “Are you serious?” Where did he want to go so quickly? There was a red light directly in front of us. I started gesturing, “Where do you think you’re actually trying to go?” at which point in time he held up his right hand over his rearview mirror for me to see. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was actually giving me the finger….well, it was more like “the hand”, since his arthritic digits clearly can’t formulate a proper bird to flip off other drivers. Reason no. 184 why this guy is a grumpy old man. Right after I took this photo, a cop car pulled up to his left into the turn only lane. I then saw him glance back at me, at which time I pointed at the cop and then mimed whether or not he wanted me to call the police and alert them of his aggressive driving. Once the light turned green, this impatient, decrepit jackass clearly didn’t learn his lesson and started to bumper hump the car that was in front of him. At each subsequent red light, I flashed a smiled and waved at him, which I’m sure infuriated him further, since the proximity of our cars was perfect proof that driving like an egocentric, aggressive dickwad gets you nowhere fast. Angry and senile…someone needs to pull this guy’s license immediately. Let him die embittered and alone rather than put the lives of other commuters on the road at risk. I can only imagine how this guy drives once he’s on the freeway…oy.

I’ll Take 2 Douchebags in SUVs and 1 Moron in a Bimmer, Please

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:46:46 +0000

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I have two submissions for you today–the first goes with this photo:

“This morning (10/16/09) I was in the left turn lane on Fairfax at the intersection of San Vicente Blvd. A big truck, the Bluebird truck you see in the picture, was in front of me. A couple of cars were ahead of the truck. This intersection is always bad. Traffic eastward on San Vicente sits in the intersection when the light turns red. The light at Olympic is not synchronized properly.

Anyway, by the time the big truck got into the intersection, the arrow was red so I stayed behind. Apparently that was just too much for the driver of the big SUV behind me. He accelerated around me on the left in the oncoming lane and made the turn against traffic. As you can see, he beat out the big truck. A good thing I waited, ’cause I think he would have hit me in his haste to turn.

I want a huge SUV so I can just ignore all the traffic rules, too.”

I used to live right around this area and know this poorly designed intersection all too well. You know things are bad in this town when you start seeing aggressive, selfish jackasses run red lights and drive against traffic just to get where they’re going. With that said, here’s the other anecdote, also involving a an asshole in an SUV.

“Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo because I didn’t have my camera-phone on me on a seemingly short pleasant trip to Bed Bath & Beyond on Ventura Blvd. in Studio City. I pulled out of the parking lot driveway and made a right onto the right lane of a completely car-free Ventura Blvd. and was going about 40 mph when I started approaching a slow-moving truck in the left lane next to me. As I drove, I noticed a black Lexus SUV in my rear-view creeping close and closer, until he was pretty much glued to my bumper. I was kind of annoyed, but just kept my initial speed (not purposely trying to piss him off or anything; if I wanted to do that, I would have stepped on the brakes), and as we passed the truck the Lexus changed lanes to my left, floored it, and as he passed me, we looked at each other with the same “what the hell are you doing, douchebag” expression on our faces and he honked at me! In his distraction, while he turned to look at me and honk, he nearly hit my car. I slowed down as half of his car started to drift into my lane. He adjusted himself back into the left lane, but still wanted to let me know that he owned Ventura Blvd., so he went back into the right lane, in front of me, as we approached Coldwater Canyon, and then had to merge back into the left when he realized that people were making a right onto Coldwater in front of him. Like, this guy has a really nice car, definitely nicer than mine, and was obviously confused as to why I didn’t speed and do what he wanted me to do, unlike every soul he’s crushed on his way to buying his Lexus. The fact that he saw fit to honk at me and then muscle in front of me lets me know how unreasonable I was by having the audacity to not let the owner of the road drive like the idiot he is.

To top the morning off, as I was stopped at a four-way stop sign on my residential street, this red BMW driving up to the sign to my right approached, seemed like he was slowing a bit, but gunned it anyway, completely NOT stopping and making me hit the brakes in the intersection. I honked and this old man turned his head to look at me for a second, completely expressionless. I’m sure he didn’t even realize he had a stop sign. Sigh.

I live in the valley and things like this happen everyday. Every. Day.”

I live in the Valley now and can also vouch for this. Hell, just the other day, an old clueless lady (in a dark green Honda or Toyota, can’t remember) just rolled right through a stop sign without even touching her brake. She was coming from my right and could’ve hit any car moving forward that had just stopped for the 4-way stop sign intersection on the road perpendicular to her. Thankfully, she missed me, though I did honk at her in protest–and like the driver of this BMW, I simply saw a clueless, vacant stare.

Angry and Delusional Senior in Dented Suburban

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 05:53:10 +0000

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Here’s another senior citizen who should lose his license–aggressive and delusional. This photo was taken under the 405 Fwy overpass just before the 405 Fwy North on-ramp on Wilshire in Brentwood. I saw the old fart driving this GMC Suburban impatiently and erratically weaving–never signaling–between the three eastbound lanes on Wilshire during rush hour. This guy clearly has been alive long enough to realize that he wasn’t getting anywhere fast and should just stay in one lane if had the slightest modicum of intelligence. Clearly, he’s a sad byproduct of alcoholic, smoking parents. I took this photo while we were stopped for a red light when this stubborn relic tried to bully his dented piece of crap to the rightmost lane that feeds to the 405 Fwy N on-ramp. Did he care that there was a car directly to his right and in front of him by half a car length? Of course not, as he continued to press his case, threatening to sideswipe the other driver. The other driver responded by honking, at which point this egocentric fu*ktard honks back, gesturing angrily behind the wheel. I’m sorry, but is someone supposed to just allow you to ram him, especially when you’re not signaling your intentions and have been driving like a senile prick the entire time? Lose the license and get a life, asshole.