L.A. Can't Drive » hands-free

Brunette in Honda Screams Horrible L.A. Stereotype

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 06:15:36 +0000

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Here’s another L.A. stereotype: a texting, tailgating, speeding, non-signaling whore with a vanity plate. Her vanity plate said something along the lines of “it fits the both of us”, and she’s driving a Honda Fit. Oh. How clever. Then again, maybe it was pretty clever for someone whose bulb doesn’t burn very brightly; only a moron like this brunette in her 30s with big glasses would drive around like a chicken with its head cut off while texting on her phone. She’s hard to see because of the glare, but I circled the phone in the photo, which we took while stopped at a red light on Burbank Blvd. in Sherman Oaks. I wonder if her significant other will be so understanding if she gets into a foolhardy accident that’s completely her fault because she was texting and driving. She’d probably have to change her license plate to FITS1ASS.

Freeway Driving Without Head or Taillights While Browsing on His Cell

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:09:08 +0000

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I took a photo of this middle-aged guy in this dark red Mustang a few days ago. He was on the 134 Fwy and got off at the Buena Vista exit. Wait, what’s this? Did I say he was driving on the freeway? But his headlights aren’t on! I have to be kidding, right? I mean, who is honestly that stupid to get on the freeway at night going 65+ mph without any head or taillights on? Unfortunately, such occurrences are quite commonplace in this town. Honest mistakes happen once in awhile, right? Well, this guy doesn’t get a pass because he was probably too busy browsing on his smart phone (saw this as he drove past me) to have paid attention to anything going around outside his vehicle. Double-whammy for being both dumb and inattentive.

Inattentive, Aggressive Lady in Lexus SUV

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:58:47 +0000

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The ugly, aggressive biznatch in her 40s driving this Lexus SUV (license plate 6EJF) really needed to hang up the cell phone she was holding in her hand and pay attention to road conditions around her. We were traveling north on Beverly Glen during the thick of evening rush hour, and she threatened to rear-end us on multiple occasions by driving so close to our rear bumper. On two separate incidents, she almost rolled into us when we were stopped in traffic–she simply let her foot off her brakes while she was browsing on her smart phone, oblivious to the fact that we weren’t inching forward. When she was driving with her eyes forward instead of on her phone’s screen, she insisted on riding our ass all the way through the single northbound lane on Beverly Glen. I cannot stress enough how much tailgating in single-laned canyon roads is such a pet peeve of mine. I mean, seriously, you must be a fuc*in’ moron not to see the litany of cars in front of the driver whose tailpipe you’re sucking harder than a co-ed stoner on a bong. My wife snapped this photo when this hozbeast–predictably–sped past us to our right when Beverly Glen briefly opened up to two lanes just south of Mulholland. Unfortunately for this impatient, wiry-haired brunette, her lane ended up moving more slowly than the #1 lane through this bottleneck, and she soon fell behind once again.

Clueless Texting Lane-Weaving Native in Minivan

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:40:38 +0000

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We saw this likely L.A.–or at least California–native (license plate 3PK) weaving in the #1 lane as we approached her from the carpool lane on the 405 Fwy South this past weekend. When we came alongside this faded green minivan, I saw this moronic brunette texting like gangbusters. First of all, didn’t weaving give her a wake up call to put the damn cell phone down? She was also pacing about a second behind the car in front of her. The average texting driver takes his/her eyes off the road for a full five friggen seconds. She could fly the length of a football field and into the rear of another car before realizing that the driver in front of her braked. Thankfully, she exited shortly after this photo was taken at around Venice Blvd. Unfortunately for everyone else, this idiot is still on the road doin’ her thang.

Texting Moron in Audi During Rush Hour

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:19:40 +0000

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When I first started this blog five years ago, Mustang and Escalade drivers took the top prize for being the biggest dicks on the road. Since then, Audi drivers have clearly become the most egregious, aggressive, arrogant drivers on the road in my book. Give me a locker room lineup, and I will bet you that the guy with the smallest dick is an Audi driver. Too harsh? OK, he can have big balls; I’m feeling generous tonight. Anyway, this particular punk sported a bushy mustache that would make Tom Selleck blush. From what I saw, he wasn’t your typical aggressive Audi driver (license plate 6SVH), though we didn’t share the road for more than a couple blocks. I took this photo waiting in traffic on Van Nuys during afternoon rush hour just before the 101 Fwy overpass. See the big painted KEEP CLEAR signs? Well, most drivers here either don’t see it or don’t care about blocking intersections. I was stopped at the limit line, along with the cars in front of the Audi and the new Honda Civic (who didn’t do much better than the Audi driver here). We allowed left-turning cars going southbound on Van Nuys to turn in front of us onto a side street. When those cars cleared, there was room in two of the three lanes for one, and only one, car to move up and clear the intersection completely. This bushy-lipped punk was too busy texting on his phone to pay attention to what other drivers were doing around him (ie. keeping the intersection clear, allowing other cars to pass in front, etc.) that he just blindly followed the white pickup. And these people are the very ones who claim that they aren’t distracted and can “multitask” when they text on their cell phones while they drive. Bull-frackin’-sh*t, I say. What if this guy was just impatient and clueless, and he thought that moving twenty feet closer to a red light would expedite his commute? Well, when the light turned green, this punk just kept on texting. In fact, he didn’t even keep up with the rest of the cars in front of him and started crawling along on Van Nuys. Hell, he didn’t even have his eyes on the road….talk about behaviors that just fuel road rage in other drivers during rush hour.

Broken Taillight Still Equals Poor Driver Most of the Time

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 05:42:10 +0000

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Before I talk about the asshole in this photo, let me share a story with you sent to me by someone who works closely with law enforcement that clearly demonstrates the degree of how distracted drivers can be while talking on their cell phones:

“Hanford is south of Fresno and west of Visalia along Hwy 198. One Hanford driver was slapped with a ticket for driving while talking on her cell phone. Officers say she was so distracted, she didn’t realize she drove right by a C.H.P. officer who then followed her for several minutes with his lights on as she pulled into a drive-thru line. “I was behind her for a couple minutes and she never reacted,” said C.H.P. Officer J.M. The officer eventually got her attention when he got out of his patrol car and stood outside her window. “I had to physically get out of my car, walk up to her door, and contacted her at her drivers side window, at which time she was still on the phone — still had the phone up to her left ear, still having a conversation,” said J.M.”

Now, I don’t know if the jackass in this Chevy SUV was equally as distracted and forgot where he was going, but I do know that he was in the wrong friggen lane. We were traveling north on Beverly Glen and were stopped at a red light by Ventura Blvd. in a left-turn-only lane. This silver Chevy SUV (license plate 5NYY…go Yankees! Boo Chevy driver!) was in the through lane to our right. When the light turned green, this erratic troll yanks his car to the left and cuts in front of a left-turning car in front of me. Naturally, the driver in front of me honked as he tried to avoid the collision. I’m sorry, but if you missed your turn, would it have killed you to travel a few hundred feet to Moorpark and then double back to where you wanted to go in the first place? Of course, this concept of self responsibility and accountability doesn’t exist for a vast number of our sucky drivers. If these asshats make a mistake, they still expect everyone else around them to pay for it. Anyway, Mr. Clueless Chevy gunned it on his wide left turn and then zipped in front of another car in the #1 lane going west on Ventura. When I snapped this at a subsequent red light, I noticed that he had a broken taillight. That’s not surprising, given the fact that someone who drives like an apathetic jackass could hardly be expected to properly maintain his vehicle.

No Headlights and Browsing on His Phone in the Rain

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 07:47:32 +0000

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I can’t believe I’m still mentioning this after nearly five years of living here full-time, but people: turn 0n your friggen headlights when your wipers are in motion. Hell, the rain was so bad today that even if you didn’t know that this was a state law since 2005, anyone with half a brain would realize that it was imperative to make one’s car more visible through the dark clouds, freeway mist, and fog by turning on one’s low beam headlights. And yes, just having always-on driving lights don’t count….your taillights need to be lit, too. Then again, this town is filled with uninformed and/or uneducated basket cases like this guy in his 50s in this Dodge SUV who was driving aimlessly around Brentwood on San Vicente by Barrington browsing the web on his smart phone while his vehicle was moving forward. So, not only were his head and taillights not in operation despite a steady downpour of rain, but he also thought it was wise to stare at his phone instead of the road while driving. This town must keep attracting the intellectual dryer lint of America or the idiots already living here just keep on breeding more of the same ilk.