L.A. Can't Drive » erratic

New California Booster Law in Effect on January 1, 2012

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:15:03 +0000

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There is a new California booster law going in effect on January 1, 2012, which states that children under 8 or children under 4 feet 9 inches in height (including children 8 or older) must be buckled into a booster seat in the back seat. Previously, the booster law stated that only children 6 and under or who weighed 60 pounds or less had to remain in a booster seat. Of course, this won’t matter a bit to oblivious parents like the moron I encountered last week who was driving around with his daughter who couldn’t have been older than 5 in the front seat. She was so short, the seat belt looked like it was wrapping around her chin. Let’s just hope law enforcement will be more alert regarding enforcing this new law unlike previous safety laws and regulations that have passed in the past.

Moving along, the above photo deals with two dicks in their twenties in a small SUV with vanity plates (starts with KCH). As always, you need to be extra mindful of drivers with vanity plates; the higher correlation between vanity plates and bad driving is unmistakable in this town. The post-Christmas morning rush hour roads were still empty, and traffic was moving along Burbank at around 45 MPH, 10 MPH above the posted speed limit. These impatient asswads still felt the need to flex the puny muscle in their pathetic mini gas-guzzler by riding the ass of any driver in front of them in both the #1 and #2 eastbound lanes. They never signaled as they zigzagged between cars, yet they really never made any headway as I easily caught up to them at each subsequent red light. They should probably ease up on the erratic weaving and braking, since I passed by one of their gonads that flew out the window.

Impatient Weaving Punk in Toyota Corolla

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 06:13:53 +0000

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Yo, bro, go on trollin’ the streets with yo’ hard self and yo’ bad ass Corolla (license plate 6MWX). This gym rat in his late 20′s/early 30′s was erratically zigzagging without signaling along Victory Blvd. during rush hour, trying to find the lane of least resistance. Yeah, good luck with that moron. Obviously, he didn’t make any headway with his incessant tailgating, and we snapped this photo at a red light near Van Nuys. Instead of impatiently cutting off other drivers and contributing to the congestion by adding unnecessary brake lights to everyone’s commute, this closeted J-Beebs fan should just stick to one friggen lane and quietly rock out to “Baby” as if he were listening to Tupac. Oh, by the way, someone should tell this foo’ to turn on his headlights at dusk. If he doesn’t change his senseless aggressive driving, at least he’ll be more visible to other drivers who actually do check their rear and sideview mirrors.

Clueless Texting Lane-Weaving Native in Minivan

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:40:38 +0000

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We saw this likely L.A.–or at least California–native (license plate 3PK) weaving in the #1 lane as we approached her from the carpool lane on the 405 Fwy South this past weekend. When we came alongside this faded green minivan, I saw this moronic brunette texting like gangbusters. First of all, didn’t weaving give her a wake up call to put the damn cell phone down? She was also pacing about a second behind the car in front of her. The average texting driver takes his/her eyes off the road for a full five friggen seconds. She could fly the length of a football field and into the rear of another car before realizing that the driver in front of her braked. Thankfully, she exited shortly after this photo was taken at around Venice Blvd. Unfortunately for everyone else, this idiot is still on the road doin’ her thang.

Road Raging Femme Fatale in Vanity Plated Ford SUV

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 06:05:13 +0000

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I was talking on the phone today with a correspondent for NPR regarding a piece discussing road rage. So on a side note, if you have satellite radio, look out for my interview. I’ll let you know when it airs. Anyway, she asked if I personally saw any correlation between road rage and the gender of the driver behind the wheel. I replied that though statistics state that males are slightly more susceptible to road than females, my personal experience is that it’s split 50/50. If anything, I see a higher correlation between poor driving and vanity plates. Case in point, get a load of this submission:

“Push him! Push him! I wish I got this just a few seconds earlier, but you get the point here. We have a female large SUV driver with personalized plates bullying an elderly couple in the Toyota in front. This was taken on Sierra Hwy coming from Golden Valley. A few seconds prior to me getting the shot, you could hear her impatience as she was on the brake, then on the gas. Her modified exhaust was audible whenever she accelerated. She got about 5′ of the elderly couples’ asses before they signaled to make the turn here. She then backed off slightly, but as soon as they turned, she roared past me doing about 60, only to get stuck at the next light behind a bus….”

I was actually surprised to hear that she backed off the Toyota when she saw that they were driving in the #1 lane because they were planning to make a left off the main road. More often than not, drivers in L.A. tailgate you even harder whenever you or they are approaching an exit off the freeway or a turnoff from the road you’re on. It’s almost as if these impatient drivers are trying to will the universe to execute these exits and turns just a fraction of a moment faster. If these second-pinchers are so obsessed with time efficiency, I suggest that they make it up by opting not to wipe their asses after they take a sh*t. That way they’ll both act and smell like assholes.

Aggressive Short Middle-Aged Lady in Huge Navigator

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 06:00:54 +0000

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Woooh, Nelly….Watch out for the short, squat, raging middle-aged brunette biatch in this Lincoln Navigator (license plate 4ZKV). This likely L.A. native is an accident waiting to happen, as she was steering this behemoth like a mad woman waving around a loaded gun in a crowded room. She was viciously and impatiently tailgating me all along the single eastbound lane on Moorpark in Toluca Lake. She continued her shenanigans as we merged onto Riverside/Alameda by Burbank; at this point, the road split to two eastbound lanes, and she kept hockey-pucking back and forth without signaling, erratically yanking her wide-assed vehicle left and right. I saw her huffing and puffing, waving her arms in frustration at afternoon rush hour. Dude, that’s life in L.A…..deal with it or get the hell out. Maybe create a blog and vent if you have to, but jerking other drivers around because you have an inability of seeing matters objectively is your problem–not other’s. Naturally, she didn’t get anywhere fast, and I kept witnessing her cutting off and tailgating other cars in front of me, only to be stopped at the next subsequent red light, at which point in time creeping ensued.

Aggressive Arm Danglers Never Signal

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 06:23:00 +0000

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I went through my archives and found this photo taken on Melrose in Hollywood a couple months ago. Someone wrote to me the other day asking what was up with all these punks dangling their arms out their windows like limp dicks while they drive. That doesn’t really bother me as much as people who do this instead of signaling, as if either reaching over with their right hand was too much effort or getting melanoma on their arms was more important than communicating with other drivers. Needless to say, this particular jackass in this Acura (license plate 6DMT for Deficient Male Testicles) opted to grasp the roof of his car instead. He was consistently and erratically weaving without signaling between cars, refusing to commit to a lane, while tailgating any driver that had the audacity to be in front of him. And naturally, he didn’t make any headway by driving like a chicken with its head cut off.

Broken Taillight Still Equals Poor Driver Most of the Time

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 05:42:10 +0000

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Before I talk about the asshole in this photo, let me share a story with you sent to me by someone who works closely with law enforcement that clearly demonstrates the degree of how distracted drivers can be while talking on their cell phones:

“Hanford is south of Fresno and west of Visalia along Hwy 198. One Hanford driver was slapped with a ticket for driving while talking on her cell phone. Officers say she was so distracted, she didn’t realize she drove right by a C.H.P. officer who then followed her for several minutes with his lights on as she pulled into a drive-thru line. “I was behind her for a couple minutes and she never reacted,” said C.H.P. Officer J.M. The officer eventually got her attention when he got out of his patrol car and stood outside her window. “I had to physically get out of my car, walk up to her door, and contacted her at her drivers side window, at which time she was still on the phone — still had the phone up to her left ear, still having a conversation,” said J.M.”

Now, I don’t know if the jackass in this Chevy SUV was equally as distracted and forgot where he was going, but I do know that he was in the wrong friggen lane. We were traveling north on Beverly Glen and were stopped at a red light by Ventura Blvd. in a left-turn-only lane. This silver Chevy SUV (license plate 5NYY…go Yankees! Boo Chevy driver!) was in the through lane to our right. When the light turned green, this erratic troll yanks his car to the left and cuts in front of a left-turning car in front of me. Naturally, the driver in front of me honked as he tried to avoid the collision. I’m sorry, but if you missed your turn, would it have killed you to travel a few hundred feet to Moorpark and then double back to where you wanted to go in the first place? Of course, this concept of self responsibility and accountability doesn’t exist for a vast number of our sucky drivers. If these asshats make a mistake, they still expect everyone else around them to pay for it. Anyway, Mr. Clueless Chevy gunned it on his wide left turn and then zipped in front of another car in the #1 lane going west on Ventura. When I snapped this at a subsequent red light, I noticed that he had a broken taillight. That’s not surprising, given the fact that someone who drives like an apathetic jackass could hardly be expected to properly maintain his vehicle.