L.A. Can't Drive » Burbank

Freeway Driving Without Head or Taillights While Browsing on His Cell

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:09:08 +0000

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I took a photo of this middle-aged guy in this dark red Mustang a few days ago. He was on the 134 Fwy and got off at the Buena Vista exit. Wait, what’s this? Did I say he was driving on the freeway? But his headlights aren’t on! I have to be kidding, right? I mean, who is honestly that stupid to get on the freeway at night going 65+ mph without any head or taillights on? Unfortunately, such occurrences are quite commonplace in this town. Honest mistakes happen once in awhile, right? Well, this guy doesn’t get a pass because he was probably too busy browsing on his smart phone (saw this as he drove past me) to have paid attention to anything going around outside his vehicle. Double-whammy for being both dumb and inattentive.

Clueless, Road Raging Young Woman in Mercedes ML350

I-95, U-405 — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:59:45 +0000

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Alright folks, total bitch alert. Watch out for this spoiled, chunky, late 20′s, biznatch brunette (dirty blonde) in a black Mercedes ML350 BlueTEC SUV (license plate 6LPC) that daddy bought her. This clueless, road-hogging wench clearly doesn’t understand the definition of morning rush hour, as she was viciously tailgating me and any other driver in front of her going east on Burbank Blvd. in North Hollywood. Traffic wasn’t even moving all that slowly; commuters were hitting the green lights, and well-spaced cars were moving along at a decent clip. In general, road raging tailgaters like Ms. Oreo don’t realize that tailgating actually increases traffic congestion, since pulling such a useless maneuver only forces one to constantly tap on his/her brakes. More brake lights = more drivers behind you braking…and then the cycle continues. Anyway, I didn’t appreciate her riding my ass (I’m a married man), especially with my kid in the car seat, so I essentially spat on her car by turning on my windshield wiper fluid. My car gets a wash about once every couple months, so spots on my vehicle really don’t bother me. But this girl was driving a pristine SUV that daddy probably helps pay for her to wash every week. As she gets squirted, I see her back off, veer to the right, pass me with the best glare her chubby face could muster, and cut back in front. At least she was signaling, so I’ll give her that. Though I managed to get her away from my rear fender, I felt a little bad for the driver in front of me who would now have this sexually frustrated angry gremlin tracking behind him. I knew she was looking at me at this red light, so I just shook my head slowly like a reprimanding father would and snapped this photo. Shortly before we reached Lankershim, this idiot actually tried to spray me with her windshield wiper fluid in some juvenile fit of revenge. However, she’s too dumb to realize that this tactic only really works against tailgaters, since drivers pacing at a safe distance barely see a drop hit their car. All she really achieved was to add more water streaks and spots to her car when the liquid dries. Before I turned off Lankershim, I saw her leapfrog in the right-turn-only lane past a row of drivers only to cut back into the single eastbound through lane. Ugly, angry, and alone…what a sad existence for Little Miss Moffat.

Aggressive Short Middle-Aged Lady in Huge Navigator

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 06:00:54 +0000

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Woooh, Nelly….Watch out for the short, squat, raging middle-aged brunette biatch in this Lincoln Navigator (license plate 4ZKV). This likely L.A. native is an accident waiting to happen, as she was steering this behemoth like a mad woman waving around a loaded gun in a crowded room. She was viciously and impatiently tailgating me all along the single eastbound lane on Moorpark in Toluca Lake. She continued her shenanigans as we merged onto Riverside/Alameda by Burbank; at this point, the road split to two eastbound lanes, and she kept hockey-pucking back and forth without signaling, erratically yanking her wide-assed vehicle left and right. I saw her huffing and puffing, waving her arms in frustration at afternoon rush hour. Dude, that’s life in L.A…..deal with it or get the hell out. Maybe create a blog and vent if you have to, but jerking other drivers around because you have an inability of seeing matters objectively is your problem–not other’s. Naturally, she didn’t get anywhere fast, and I kept witnessing her cutting off and tailgating other cars in front of me, only to be stopped at the next subsequent red light, at which point in time creeping ensued.

Are We Setting the Bar Too High?

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 07:28:57 +0000

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

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Alas, I stand corrected. Here are the last of my photos taken in last week’s rain. These two photos were taken moments after each other while we were traveling on Alameda in Burbank during heavy rain. Again, I ask, why do so many drivers in L.A. not know that they’re supposed to turn their headlights on when it’s raining? Then again, I was driving home from Encino tonight at 10:30 and passed a minivan cruising around completely blind–like a wraith with half a brain. As pathetic as it sounds, I suppose I’m setting my expectations for L.A. drivers too high if these people can’t even remember to turn on their lights when it’s dark.

Creeping in the OC

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 11:52:43 +0000

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I want to apologize in advance if my posts become a bit erratic the next couple of weeks. I’m in the process of moving, so hopefully I’ll be able to squeeze a post in here and there. Before I talk about this submission, I did want to give a nice shout-out to the wannabe, punk-ass troll blaring his radio at 9:30 at night in Burbank (oh, you’re so hard, mofo). This punk was speeding around a corner approaching a stop sign intersection while I was already walking halfway across the street. When I noticed the car, I started walking faster just when this self-entitled, half-wit starts to flash his high beams at me. Um…crosswalk? Stop sign? Ring a bell, or were you too busy blowing spit bubbles in that class, too? This arrogant fu*k also had the gall to stare at me as I stared incredulously back at him. I’d spell that word out for him if I thought it would do him any good, though he’d probably get lost by the time I get to ‘r’. Anyway, too many egocentric, clueless morons in this town don’t realize that driving isn’t a right protected by our federal or state constitution; it’s a privilege that more often than not should be taken away from punks like this fool who treat driving like a game.

Although blatant disrespect of pedestrians is a serious pet peeve of mine in this town, nonsensical creeping at red lights is another. Here’s a submission I received from a reader in Orange County:

“A while back I submitted a photo of a creeper who took it to another level by waiting in the middle of an intersection in Mid-Wilshire. Well, as this attachment proves, you’ll find creepers even in the coddled land of the 949 who would rather wait for their (long) lights in the way of crossing traffic. This was taken in Lake Forest at the intersection of El Toro and Portola.”

Mind you, this person didn’t come to a stop this far into the intersection, though failing to see a red light until it’s too late doesn’t exactly earn you a gold star, either. Rather, this person actually chose to enter this far into the intersection after coming to a stop along with everyone else and kept going…. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Southern California has some of the slowest red light runners in this country.

Empty Freeways Still Engender Road Raging Impatience

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 08:47:54 +0000

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Angelenos certainly have a tendency to hyperbolize, and the reactions in the public and on the news to the closure of a stretch on the 405 Fwy were no exceptions. In reality, the roads have been empty. To say the 101 Fwy had no traffic on Saturday is an understatement. We literally made it to Calabasas from Burbank in 15 minutes just by going with the flow of traffic. However, even on essentially empty freeways, you still have impatient, road raging assholes like the fu*kwad in this shizzy old Volvo who was gunning it at 90+ MPH whenever he wasn’t tailgating, weaving, and California Cutting across several lanes without signaling in one fell swoop. Maybe he was taking it personally that he couldn’t leave the Valley as easily to go to the West Side to hang out with his equally pathetic friends. Or maybe the freeway closure shook his simplistic world so much that he was driven to madness. Or maybe–just maybe–he’s another stereotypical, egotistical, dumb-as-nails, self-entitled L.A. native (old license plate). Have fun at the Topanga Mall instead of the beach, moron.

Clarifications About Parking Near Intersections and Stop Signs

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 09:05:59 +0000

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I’ve been getting a lot of questions regarding parking near intersections. My general understanding was that you had to be 10-15 feet from the intersection before you could park against the curb. I knew that you had to be a certain distance away from a posted stop sign, regardless of whether a curb is painted red, so the black Nissan SUV and the silver sedan behind it are pretty much parking illegally, though I see this all the time here (in Burbank, by Kling and Clybourn) without citations on windshields. But what about parking near the intersection itself, regardless of a stop sign? Well, I decided to look up what the California Vehicle Code had to say about this, and v.c. 22500 (a) states that parking is prohibited ”within an intersection, except adjacent to curbs as may be permitted by local ordinance.” Hmm, not completely clear. So what does the City of Burbank have to say about all of this? 6-1-1029 (b) states that parking or stopping is prohibited “at any place within fifteen (15) feet of an intersection or curb return, except that a bus or taxicab may stop at a designated bus or taxicab stop.” Aha! So there, you have it. And even if you didn’t know the letter of the law, wouldn’t you think that parking at an angle, essentially tangent to the corner of a block (regardless of whether or not it is curved), is a bad idea or at the very least something traffic cops wouldn’t approve of? FYI, the Burbank code says that you can’t park within 25 feet of a stop sign, but so much for that regulation being enforced. Might as well make it illegal to wear tight spandex if the circumference of your thighs rival that of a small baby seal. Alas, we must all still endure such retinal hernias. Anyway, all this talk about parking near intersections is moot, since this corner-hugging Nissan was parked less than 15 feet away from the orange fire hydrant. If a cop really wanted to be picky, he could’ve cited this guy for two violations for the price of one lazy-ass parking job. Parking isn’t scarce in these parts as long as you’re willing to walk a couple hundred feet.