L.A. Can't Drive

Brunette in Honda Screams Horrible L.A. Stereotype

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 06:15:36 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Here’s another L.A. stereotype: a texting, tailgating, speeding, non-signaling whore with a vanity plate. Her vanity plate said something along the lines of “it fits the both of us”, and she’s driving a Honda Fit. Oh. How clever. Then again, maybe it was pretty clever for someone whose bulb doesn’t burn very brightly; only a moron like this brunette in her 30s with big glasses would drive around like a chicken with its head cut off while texting on her phone. She’s hard to see because of the glare, but I circled the phone in the photo, which we took while stopped at a red light on Burbank Blvd. in Sherman Oaks. I wonder if her significant other will be so understanding if she gets into a foolhardy accident that’s completely her fault because she was texting and driving. She’d probably have to change her license plate to FITS1ASS.

Leapfrogging Wannabe Punk in Accord

I-95, U-405 — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 08:05:46 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Some people just look the part of asshole driver. The punk with his straight-billed baseball cap (oh, I think the going lingo is “lid” now) and his wannabe I’m a douchebag lean behind the wheel was driving this shizzy Honda Accord (license plate 5TZK) in Sherman Oaks on Burbank Blvd. When you’re just west of Sepulveda, the rightmost lane on Burbank Blvd. is pretty much intended to be a right-turn-only lane. If you go straight, you have the option of turning right into a Shell gas station or plowing directly into the rear of a parked vehicle along the curb. Most drivers around these parts, particularly those who exit the 405 Fwy at Burbank Blvd., already know this fact. And even if you didn’t, the steep downhill slope of the road gives you plenty of visibility of traffic flow and the makeup of the road in front of you. Unfortunately, this is also a favorite leapfrogging spot for egocentric jackasses who all too often treat driving like a pissing contest. In this instance, I was making my way down the slope across Sepulveda Blvd. when I noticed this punk in my rear and sideview mirrors refusing to merge to his left along with the rest of eastbound Burbank traffic. Judging by his speed, I knew he wasn’t heading toward the gas station, so I let up on my accelerator in an act of defensive driving. On the other hand, this punk probably thought I was going to gun it and try to prevent him from “cutting” in front, and I heard him step on his gas pedal and shoot past me to my right, nearly running into the back of parked sedan just east of the gas station driveway. That’s when I got a good look at this insecure, dumb-looking sh*tlet. Anyway, I had no interest in playing a petty racing game with someone who I felt was less evolved than me, and I gave him ample room to move in front (without signaling, of course). Hey, even tapeworms need a win once in awhile.

Freeway Driving Without Head or Taillights While Browsing on His Cell

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:09:08 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

I took a photo of this middle-aged guy in this dark red Mustang a few days ago. He was on the 134 Fwy and got off at the Buena Vista exit. Wait, what’s this? Did I say he was driving on the freeway? But his headlights aren’t on! I have to be kidding, right? I mean, who is honestly that stupid to get on the freeway at night going 65+ mph without any head or taillights on? Unfortunately, such occurrences are quite commonplace in this town. Honest mistakes happen once in awhile, right? Well, this guy doesn’t get a pass because he was probably too busy browsing on his smart phone (saw this as he drove past me) to have paid attention to anything going around outside his vehicle. Double-whammy for being both dumb and inattentive.

Old Senile Relic Doesn’t Know How to Lock His Vehicle

I-95, U-405 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 05:18:17 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Listen, I don’t have a problem with old people driving, as long as they can show that they have the physical aptitude and mental acuity necessary to drive safely. For those of you who have been following this blog for years, you know that I’m a strong advocate for competency testing for all drivers, not just high risk individuals like youth and senior citizens. Regarding the above photograph, the like native L.A. owner of this old Toyota Camry is circled above. And yes, he’s actually sporting an alpine white mullet. Never mind the fact that he couldn’t even park properly in his designated lane in this parking lot at the Americana, since quite frankly, most of the people who shop here can’t park properly regardless of their age. While we were packing up our vehicle, we suddenly heard this guy’s car alarm go off. No biggy, right? However, the alarm wasn’t shutting off….in fact, it was blaring for at least a minute. When we looked over to see what was happening, we saw gramps here sitting in the driver seat with his door open with the stereotypical “WTF is going on?” old-person look. Y’all know what I’m talking about….eyebrows disappearing into the forehead, toothy scowl, crowfeet squints, the whole works. About 20 seconds later with the alarm still blaring, I looked at him and said, “Really? Really??” He just started waving his arms in this hapless fashion. Damn the evil spirits of his electric chariot! Finally, the car alarm went off. Problem solved, right? But I say, nay nay….the alarm starts blaring again, and this whole charade ensues for another minute. We finally got the kids in their car seats and packed up the vehicle through all this racket. As we were pulling out, I saw that this old fart finally had an epiphany: he needed to lock and alarm his vehicle after he’s out of the driver’s seat and has closed the door. Wow, imagine that…who would’ve thought you needed to be physically out of the car with all the doors securely closed before alarming a vehicle? Anyway, he just shuffled away absentmindedly, probably none the wiser in the end. So you be the judge, should this person be driving a vehicle that requires split second decision-making abilities?

Inattentive, Aggressive Lady in Lexus SUV

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:58:47 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

The ugly, aggressive biznatch in her 40s driving this Lexus SUV (license plate 6EJF) really needed to hang up the cell phone she was holding in her hand and pay attention to road conditions around her. We were traveling north on Beverly Glen during the thick of evening rush hour, and she threatened to rear-end us on multiple occasions by driving so close to our rear bumper. On two separate incidents, she almost rolled into us when we were stopped in traffic–she simply let her foot off her brakes while she was browsing on her smart phone, oblivious to the fact that we weren’t inching forward. When she was driving with her eyes forward instead of on her phone’s screen, she insisted on riding our ass all the way through the single northbound lane on Beverly Glen. I cannot stress enough how much tailgating in single-laned canyon roads is such a pet peeve of mine. I mean, seriously, you must be a fuc*in’ moron not to see the litany of cars in front of the driver whose tailpipe you’re sucking harder than a co-ed stoner on a bong. My wife snapped this photo when this hozbeast–predictably–sped past us to our right when Beverly Glen briefly opened up to two lanes just south of Mulholland. Unfortunately for this impatient, wiry-haired brunette, her lane ended up moving more slowly than the #1 lane through this bottleneck, and she soon fell behind once again.

Illegal Leapfrogging Punk in Chevy HHR

I-95, U-405 — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:08:48 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Sometime last year, the city screwed with the lanes on Wilshire Blvd. by Sepulveda and the 405 Fwy on/off-ramps in Brentwood. Previously, if you were going east toward the freeway in the #1 lane, you had the option of either going straight or making a left to go north on Sepulveda. A green arrow helped to facilitate this turn. Now, in a feeble and naive attempt to reduce traffic congestion, they made the #1 lane a left turn only lane–you see the sign and the fat dotted white lane markings about two hundred yards before the Wilshire/Sepulveda intersection. Let’s be real…this is L.A. Late afternoon/evening rush hour commuters quickly learned that the #1 lane moved faster than all the other eastbound lanes on Wilshire and use it to pass as many cars as possible before changing lanes to their right. Essentially, a mind-numbing bottleneck was created, making traffic even worse in this area. Way to go, councilmembers. Anyway, as annoying as this is for a lot of the other drivers who patiently wait in the #2 lane to go east on Wilshire past the 405, it’s not illegal…unless you pull a selfish, asinine stunt like the punk in this crappy Chevy HHR (license plate 6JPT). Both he and the driver in front of him (not photographed) didn’t switch over from the #1 lane to the #2 lane earlier like most other drivers. In fact, by the time he reached the Sepulveda intersection, he was still in the left turn only lane. This arrogant piece of dessicated gonad then drove his Moby Dick of a vehicle forward, crossed Sepulveda, and ignored yellow hatched lines (that represent a raised concrete median) in front of him before continuing east on Wilshire. Clearly, passing about 100 cars wasn’t good enough for this fu*kwad, and he felt completely entitled to pull a blatantly egocentric and illegal maneuver. If the city really needs to raise some extra cash, they should park some traffic cops by this intersection on a random evening commute. It’ll be like shooting ducks in a barrel.

Clueless Tailgating Transplant Still Doesn’t Know CA Driving Laws

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 08:47:37 +0000

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Alright people…if you move to California, you have an obligation to pick up that flimsy little driver’s handbook and learn the laws and regulations concerning this state. It’s not exactly heavy reading, and you can easily flip through it while you’re waiting to speak with someone at the DMV. The brunette in her 20s driving this pale blue Lexus SC 400 (license plate 6RHP) seemed like a transplant; though I’m not good with the make, model, and year of most vehicles, her shizzy, “old-looking” car seemed to be in pretty poor condition for a vehicle with a relatively new license plate number; if she were a transplant, judging by the plate, she would’ve been in L.A. for about a year now. The good news? She didn’t lose her habit of signaling for lane changes and turns. The bad news? She still doesn’t know that you need to have your low beam headlights on whenever it’s raining outside and your windshield wipers are operating, regardless of the time of day. I know I sound like a broken record at this point for many of you, but the auto headlight setting does NOT turn your lights on when it’s raining in the daytime. Even if you wanted to give her a pass on this law that’s been around for years, she was still riding my ass in the #2 lane on Burbank Blvd. in Sherman Oaks in late morning rush hour traffic. Oh, did I mention that it was raining? Not too bright is she? Someone ought to tell her that the Lexus she got from her inherited from her parents when she moved cross country doesn’t stop on the dime, especially on wet, slick roads where it doesn’t rain all too often. To top it off, after she passed us on the left and cut back in front, she turned right off Burbank about a block later. Really? Couldn’t wait the few extra seconds to make that right? Impatient drivers never–and I mean never–see the forest for the trees.