Speaking of dumbasses, below is a submission I received that I’m posting at the urging of one of our readers.  Please note that we’re not making any accusations and nothing has been verified:

“Yesterday (9/21/08) around 5:00 pm, I was leaving my gym at LA Fitness on Golden Valley Rd. in Canyon.  I turned right to go South.  The light at Centre Point Dr. had just turned yellow, and as someone with a fresh yellow light would do, I stepped on the gas to make it through the intersection.

At the same time, this fat, lazy Volvo driver, license plate 5T***61, going North on Golden Valley Rd., was in such a hurry to get her fat ass over to WalMart to get her next super pack of Bon-Bons that she turned left right in front of me.  Thank god for traction control and anti-lock brakes.  I skidded to avoid her and almost hit a pickup truck that was over to the right waiting for his light.

That psycho bitch in the black Volvo kept on going.  I chased her down and called the local Sheriff (useless) to have them come out and test the obese bitch for sugar toxicity and her inability to drive!  Too busy to come out.  I sent you her license plate number with hopes that you will print as much of it as possible to warn other drivers about her.

A few weeks ago, a motorcyclist was killed in this area by someone turning left in front of him.  The errant driver never stopped and is still on the loose!

This intersection where this happened is a frequent spot for collisions, so I left a message with the City of Santa Clarita to actually find out how many accidents have occurred since that light was activated.  I also requested that they reevaluate the signal configuration.”

As a side note, Orlando and 3rd St., for some strange reason, is also an intersection that’s quite prone to accidents.  I know I’ve been in similar situations where the light has turned yellow just before I enter an intersection, and a car traveling in the opposite direction appears to be going straight but then makes a left directly in front of me without signaling.  Sure, some people are just blatantly aggressive, but many drivers just lack the appropriate observation and communication skills needed to drive safely on the road.

However, I think it’s also important to note that yellow lights are timed in such a way that if you’re traveling the posted speed limit, you should be able to pass through that intersection before it turns red at that constant speed.  If you get the feeling that you won’t make that light at a speed equivalent to the posted speed limit, then you should slow down to a stop.  In the end, it’s always better to err on the side of caution because I’ve been told that there are many traffic signals in this county that are not callibrated correctly.  Six months ago, it came out that six cities, including Union City, CA, were actually fined for shortening yellow light times to rack up profits.

Though these haven’t been verified by the DMV, a licensed traffic school instructor of 15+ years provided the following data regarding speed and yellow light duration.  I have no idea if they’re specific to L.A. or California:

• 25 MPH – 3.0 secs
• 30 MPH – 3.2 secs
• 35 MPH – 3.6 secs
• 40 MPH – 3.9 secs
• 45 MPH – 4.3 secs
• 50 MPH – 4.7 secs
• 55 MPH – 5.0 secs
• 60 MPH – 5.4 secs
• 65 MPH – 5.8 secs

So, if you ever get pulled over for running a red light, go back to that intersection at the time you were cited and time that yellow light.  Verify these figures with the proper authorities; if they pan out, then you might be able to argue your way out of a ticket and points on your license if the duration of the yellow light wasn’t up to par for the posted speed limit.

With that said, this brings us back to our original question: what about lane-splitting over double yellow lines? Well, the California DMV (v.c. 400(a)) defines a motorcycle as “any motor vehicle having a seat or saddle for the use of the rider, designed to travel on not more than three wheels in contact with the ground, and weighing less than 1,500 pounds.” Since a motorcycle is clearly defined as a vehicle,
v.c. 21460(a) states: “When double parallel solid lines are in place, no person driving a vehicle shall drive to the left thereof, except as permitted in this section”–none of the subdivisions given an exception to motorcycles for lane-splitting.

So can you theoretically argue that you were lane-sharing with the vehicle next to you if you’re pulled over by a cop while lane-splitting over double yellow lane markings? I doubt it since it is almost inevitable that you crossed over the double yellow lines at least once while trying to maintain a safe distance between your bike and the vehicle next to you. Then again, you could drive like this impatient jackass in the above photo who repeatedly crossed over the double yellow lines into opposing traffic by several feet while trying to bypass traffic on Coldwater during rush hour. Did this guy want to become an organ donor before the evening news? Given Coldwater’s winding nature and blind turns, he was basically guessing at whether or not he would encounter a vehicle in the opposite lane of traffic each time he tried this passing maneuver (or splitting, as he would undoubtedly defining it).  I actually witnessed a near miss as he swerved back into our lane of travel just before I took this picture.  At the very least, one could clearly define what he was doing as excessive weaving without signaling.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG thing to do. On a similar note, people often ask if it’s legal to split lanes over the double yellow lines that separates the #1 and carpool lanes on freeways, since traffic is traveling in the same direction on both sides of the lines. Well, given that it’s legal for motorcycles to drive completely in the carpool lane, why split? Rather, split the #1 and #2 lanes on the freeway instead.  And again, the California Vehicle Code does not give special allowances to motorcycles regarding double yellow lines.

So in summary, don’t lane-split over double yellow lines, lest risk receiving a citation or becoming a permanent fixture on someone else’s windshield.

Our 2-week vacation ended in Milan, where we were given the opportunity to see how crazy Italian drivers really are in northern Italy. I’ve been to Rome, Florence, and Venice in the past, and I definitely remember lots of honking and reckless driving, particularly in Rome. However, we were pleasantly surprised with the drivers in Milan. At first glance, the layout of the roads reminded me of San Francisco, with frequently used above-ground street cars and a plethora of bus/taxi only lanes. Though the Milanese definitely have an issue with speeding and drive much faster than the Parisians, they tailgate much less and seemed to honk less then their Italian counterparts. Many of Milan’s roads are old and cobblestoned like the photo below, though they were still in better condition overall than the roads in Paris.

It’s important to note that Milan is a much smaller city than Paris, so it probably takes much less effort to maintain the quality of its highways. Parking lanes for cars and motorcycles were delineated well, and signs for parking times, costs, and restrictions were also clearly posted throughout the city. Even from a tourist’s standpoint, knowing where to park wouldn’t be nearly as much of a problem here than in Paris. However, if you find an open spot, it’s best to take it fast. The Milanese don’t take lightly to stopped cars in their path and will honk if you take too long to make a decision behind the wheel.

People also drive much nicer cars in Milan than in Paris–this includes well-kept vehicles and not just fancy makes and models. This might have to do with larger parking spots and much less traffic (ie. less risk of your car getting dinged). We even saw our fair share of hybrids, including quite a few taxicabs, which was definitely a good thing given that the air quality in this city made you feel like you were getting intubated with a muffler. My guess is that emission standards aren’t as strict in Italy as they are in the States. In fact, the smog was so bad that when we got off the plane at LAX, it felt like we were breathing lungfuls of fresh mountain air.

However, though I’m starting to think that this may be a European thing, the lane divisions were again practically nonexistent.  As lanes widened and narrowed at random places, vehicles just adapted by merging or spreading out (usually looking to pass).  Passing on the right or the left was common, and we didn’t pick up any consistencies regarding this aspect of driving.

Like Paris, lane divisions were painted the same for traffic going in the same direction as well as the opposite direction. In the above photo, you see room for 2 lanes and a curb or bus-only lane. Yet, we routinely saw cars refusing to stay in any organized lines as motorcycles and scooters weaved in and out of traffic. Bikes made up a much larger percentage of the overall traffic in Milan than in Paris. And again, if lane-splitting is illegal in Italy, it was still more than tolerated. Lines in general didn’t seem to apply to Italians as it became a mosh pit when it came to boarding planes, bus stops, or ordering a cappuccino at the bar. Conversely, no one really seemed to care if you cut them off either, which was clearly reflected in non-retaliatory driving. Imagine that in L.A….people not getting pissed off if you want to change into their lane.

As was the case in Paris, most lane markings were only seen near intersections like this one. Like Paris and L.A., we witnessed a lot of signaling only for turns but not for lane changes. Maybe there are more Europeans in L.A. than I had initially thought. Though most parking spots were clearly marked on the pavement, this city would do well to repaint many of the lanes throughout the city, which have slowly darked over time from road use and pollution.

Though a larger percentage of cars had their headlights on at night in Milan than in Paris (and certainly Los Angeles), we still found our fair share of violators like the truck above or the taxicab below.

The Milanese seem to be very productive and time-efficient, more so than their Italian cousins.  As a result, the city is much like New York in terms of pace and energy, though it is significantly much smaller. This intensity is reflected in their driving, which is fast and aggressive. However, we still saw nearly all cars slow down for yellow lights, and most vehicles stopped at a decent distance from the car in front of them. Honestly, my biggest gripe with Milanese drivers would be their treatment of pedestrian crosswalks. If you think L.A. is bad, try stepping out in front of a Mercedes in this town. If the drivers see you hesitate for even a second, they will not stop. As alert as they seem to be behind the wheel, we still felt like we were playing Russian roulette while crossing at intersections without traffic lights. However, like a New Yorker, the typical Milanese will shout obscenities at a car that nearly runs them over. At least now I know how to say, “Go fu*k yourself,” in 9 different languages.  Seeing a gorgeous Italian in high heels, Valentino dress suit, and Il Bisonte bag flipping the bird will put a smile on anyone’s face.

Ah, Paris….

One of things I miss most about living on the east coast is taking an Atlantic puddle-jump over to Europe for a few days. Flights to cities like London and Paris from New York are almost always cheaper than flights to Los Angeles. My wife is also fluent in French, and I can get around with a decent accent, so in many ways Paris has been sort of a second home for us abroad. Though the shopping is great, the food impeccable, the denizens chic, and the metro system speedy and efficient, the driving sucks. Yes, indeed, Paris cannot drive.

Before I harp on the negatives, I should say that the average Parisian tends to be pretty alert while driving or riding. Like San Francisco, New York, Chicago, and D.C., the drivers are aware that a minuscule lapse of attention at the wrong time could mean hitting a cyclist, pedestrian, scooter, etc. It is because of this fact that I have considerably less fear stepping into pedestrian crosswalks in Paris than in Los Angeles. Every car we noticed slowed down at yellow lights rather than sped up. Parisians also honk less than Angelenos and tend to exhibit more patience while on the road. Riders on scooters and motorcycles seem to be more impatient as they weave their way to the front of any stopped red light, which is to be expected. Though I believe lane-splitting is illegal in France, it is more than tolerated by the police, much the way jaywalking is tolerated in New York.

However, this brings me to the first gripe I have about this town, namely where are the lanes? You can clearly see a bus lane delineated in this photo, but that’s more or less it. Forget about the fact that small two-way streets aren’t marked with yellow lines (just solid white lines, if any). What happens when you’re going in the same direction? Often what you get is a free-for-all. What astounds me are rotaries (or roundabouts) at the Arc de Triomphe or like the one below near the opera house that don’t have clear lane markings for the myriad of cars going around in counterclockwise circles.

Perhaps the reason why lane-splitting is tolerated is that quite arguably there aren’t any lanes to speak of. In fact, lane markings were really only most present near intersections, particularly if certain lanes are used to go straight while others are designated turning lanes. Once you cross those intersections, however, you’re on your own.

Now when you’re pounding the pavement of the fashion capital of France, you’ll see a lot of nicely clothed, hip, and some flat-out gorgeous locals. However, the cars on the road certainly do not reflect this importance for style and appearance. Most of the cars we saw were downright shizzy Peugeots, Smart Cars, and Renaults with horrible paint jobs, dents, dings, and inoperable tail or headlights (we’ll get to the headlights issue soon enough). Parking in this city is an utter nightmare, since signs are poorly placed and curbs are poorly marked. Often you see cars parked like the 2 photos below in seemingly random locations:

Is it not uncommon to see motorcyclists and scooters drive up onto sidewalks and park their bikes wherever they please for un cafe (single espresso) at a local brasserie. It is more unusual, though still frequent, to witness drivers stopping in the middle of narrow roads, putting their hazard lights on, and getting out to buy a baguette or other groceries. Fortunately, in instances where I’ve witnessed this, no car pulled up from behind whose path was obstructed by the illegally parked vehicle. However, if I had to guess, the biggest reason why Parisians don’t drive nice vehicles is because of the inevitable “love-tapping” that will occur on a regular basis:

Try parking your BMW 7 series in that tiny spot. 2 inches–tops–separated the front and back bumpers of this green machine from its neighbors. We actually saw the driver park his vehicle by backing in and then proceeding to gently tap his vehicle into the two other cars about 3 times each. Many drivers have a rubber-like apparatus attached to the bumpers of their vehicles to help minimize the damage of multiple parking rituals like the one above. We witnessed a few other drivers who weren’t nearly as considerate as the one above as they aggressively collided into parked vehicles while attempting to squeeze their vehicles against the curb. One car was hit so hard that it was actually pushed forward into the parked car in front of it–that’s a 3-car rear-ender involving only one driver if I’ve ever seen one. Now ask yourself, would you own a nice vehicle in Paris if you knew your car would get bumper-fu*ked on a regular basis? And you can also forget about car washes…why waste the money? My guess is the average Parisian views his car much like the average New Yorker–as a means for transportation rather than a socioeconomic badge of honor.

However, not fixing dings and scratches is one thing. Not properly maintaining your vehicle to code is another. Like Los Angeles, there were tons of vehicles on the road with broken tail lights, headlights, poorly calibrated headlights, etc. Quiet a few cars had missing or damaged side view mirrors. A good half of the cars we randomly examined had tires that needed to be replaced. Also, a surprisingly large number of drivers either drove at night with only driving lights:

Or no lights on at all:

But this entry wouldn’t be complete without a taxi cab story. It is no surprise that cabbies make up the worst drivers in any city, and Paris is no exception. In the St-Germain-des-Pres district, we witnessed the below accident when the driver of this taxi cab crossed an intersection and rear-ended a jeep in front of him that was at a standstill for traffic ahead of it for a good 2 seconds.

Despite the fact that the taxicab was smoking and clearly out of commission, the passenger in the back stubbornly refused to get out of the vehicle until she reached her destination. She only proceeded to exit then cab when 2 cops on bicycles materialized out of nowhere.

All in all, one could more aptly compare Paris to New York than Los Angeles. The roads are much more narrow and are in need of repair. Lane divisions really only existed near intersections and on high speed roadways. Speeding is not as much of an issue as is tailgating. Drivers are aggressive yet patient, and parking restrictions seem to be much more lax. However, like Angelenos, Parisians rarely signal for lane changes; rather, the blinker came on more often for right or left turns. Parisians also seem to brain-fart behind the wheel at night like natives in this town as a surprisingly large percentage of drivers drove around with only driving lights on or no headlights at all. 1, 2, even 3 cars/bikes commonly squeeze into imaginary lanes on the road, though no one seems to mind getting cut off. It seems that most Parisians treat their vehicles as a necessity–a means to an end rather than an extension of one’s ego. We didn’t witness any acts of vengeful road rage, though I’m sure it exists. With that said, everyone seemed to know where they were going. I’m sure if a tourist was caught navigating these unfamiliar streets with vague signs and lane divisions, they’d feel the wrath of Napoleon. If I were you, I’d stick with the metro system. Though most would probably agree that Paris can’t drive, at least we can all agree that the locals can make a kick-ass nutella and banana crepe.

And why is tailgating bad?
A lot of people claim that the bad driving in L.A. has gotten exponentially worse over the last few years. I myself have only been coming back and forth for the last seven, and I can vouch for that. However, most who have lived here for 30+ years have told me that people have always been poor drivers in this town–not signaling, tailgating, etc. Here’s a classic (literally) tailgating incident submitted by a reader: “It was a couple of decades ago. I was on my motorcycle, going home after work, riding down Bristol Street by John Wayne Airport. The light at Campus Dr./Irvine Ave. turned yellow, and by judging speed and distance, I decided to stop. Unfortunately, the driver behind me decided she could make the light. Pow! Next thing I knew I was on my back in the middle of the intersection, my bike was in a fence about 20 yards ahead, and the paramedics were just pulling up. Evidently, I’d been out a while. But luckily there was no damage to me other than bumps and bruises. Yea for helmets! So now when I’m in similar yellow light situations, I take a quick glance in the mirror to see if the driver behind has different ideas.”

Defensive driving is always a good idea. Regardless, as ridiculous as it may sound that someone tried to beat out a yellow light despite the fact that there was another vehicle in front of her, I can actually believe that this happened in L.A., where so many people seem to be in their own little world, completely oblivious of others around them. You often see this behavior even when they’re not in their cars. Anyway, both examples demonstrate tailgating from both aggressive and pathetically clueless drivers. Now, even if you’re an aggressive driver and think this blog is for pussies, no one wants vehicular manslaughter on their conscience. Let’s try to think with our heads and not our engine-revving egos.