L.A. Can't Drive » clueless

Brunette in Honda Screams Horrible L.A. Stereotype

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 06:15:36 +0000

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Here’s another L.A. stereotype: a texting, tailgating, speeding, non-signaling whore with a vanity plate. Her vanity plate said something along the lines of “it fits the both of us”, and she’s driving a Honda Fit. Oh. How clever. Then again, maybe it was pretty clever for someone whose bulb doesn’t burn very brightly; only a moron like this brunette in her 30s with big glasses would drive around like a chicken with its head cut off while texting on her phone. She’s hard to see because of the glare, but I circled the phone in the photo, which we took while stopped at a red light on Burbank Blvd. in Sherman Oaks. I wonder if her significant other will be so understanding if she gets into a foolhardy accident that’s completely her fault because she was texting and driving. She’d probably have to change her license plate to FITS1ASS.

Freeway Driving Without Head or Taillights While Browsing on His Cell

I-95, U-405 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:09:08 +0000

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I took a photo of this middle-aged guy in this dark red Mustang a few days ago. He was on the 134 Fwy and got off at the Buena Vista exit. Wait, what’s this? Did I say he was driving on the freeway? But his headlights aren’t on! I have to be kidding, right? I mean, who is honestly that stupid to get on the freeway at night going 65+ mph without any head or taillights on? Unfortunately, such occurrences are quite commonplace in this town. Honest mistakes happen once in awhile, right? Well, this guy doesn’t get a pass because he was probably too busy browsing on his smart phone (saw this as he drove past me) to have paid attention to anything going around outside his vehicle. Double-whammy for being both dumb and inattentive.

Old Senile Relic Doesn’t Know How to Lock His Vehicle

I-95, U-405 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 05:18:17 +0000

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Listen, I don’t have a problem with old people driving, as long as they can show that they have the physical aptitude and mental acuity necessary to drive safely. For those of you who have been following this blog for years, you know that I’m a strong advocate for competency testing for all drivers, not just high risk individuals like youth and senior citizens. Regarding the above photograph, the like native L.A. owner of this old Toyota Camry is circled above. And yes, he’s actually sporting an alpine white mullet. Never mind the fact that he couldn’t even park properly in his designated lane in this parking lot at the Americana, since quite frankly, most of the people who shop here can’t park properly regardless of their age. While we were packing up our vehicle, we suddenly heard this guy’s car alarm go off. No biggy, right? However, the alarm wasn’t shutting off….in fact, it was blaring for at least a minute. When we looked over to see what was happening, we saw gramps here sitting in the driver seat with his door open with the stereotypical “WTF is going on?” old-person look. Y’all know what I’m talking about….eyebrows disappearing into the forehead, toothy scowl, crowfeet squints, the whole works. About 20 seconds later with the alarm still blaring, I looked at him and said, “Really? Really??” He just started waving his arms in this hapless fashion. Damn the evil spirits of his electric chariot! Finally, the car alarm went off. Problem solved, right? But I say, nay nay….the alarm starts blaring again, and this whole charade ensues for another minute. We finally got the kids in their car seats and packed up the vehicle through all this racket. As we were pulling out, I saw that this old fart finally had an epiphany: he needed to lock and alarm his vehicle after he’s out of the driver’s seat and has closed the door. Wow, imagine that…who would’ve thought you needed to be physically out of the car with all the doors securely closed before alarming a vehicle? Anyway, he just shuffled away absentmindedly, probably none the wiser in the end. So you be the judge, should this person be driving a vehicle that requires split second decision-making abilities?

Inattentive, Aggressive Lady in Lexus SUV

I-95, U-405 — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:58:47 +0000

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The ugly, aggressive biznatch in her 40s driving this Lexus SUV (license plate 6EJF) really needed to hang up the cell phone she was holding in her hand and pay attention to road conditions around her. We were traveling north on Beverly Glen during the thick of evening rush hour, and she threatened to rear-end us on multiple occasions by driving so close to our rear bumper. On two separate incidents, she almost rolled into us when we were stopped in traffic–she simply let her foot off her brakes while she was browsing on her smart phone, oblivious to the fact that we weren’t inching forward. When she was driving with her eyes forward instead of on her phone’s screen, she insisted on riding our ass all the way through the single northbound lane on Beverly Glen. I cannot stress enough how much tailgating in single-laned canyon roads is such a pet peeve of mine. I mean, seriously, you must be a fuc*in’ moron not to see the litany of cars in front of the driver whose tailpipe you’re sucking harder than a co-ed stoner on a bong. My wife snapped this photo when this hozbeast–predictably–sped past us to our right when Beverly Glen briefly opened up to two lanes just south of Mulholland. Unfortunately for this impatient, wiry-haired brunette, her lane ended up moving more slowly than the #1 lane through this bottleneck, and she soon fell behind once again.

Clueless Tailgating Transplant Still Doesn’t Know CA Driving Laws

I-95, U-405 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 08:47:37 +0000

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Alright people…if you move to California, you have an obligation to pick up that flimsy little driver’s handbook and learn the laws and regulations concerning this state. It’s not exactly heavy reading, and you can easily flip through it while you’re waiting to speak with someone at the DMV. The brunette in her 20s driving this pale blue Lexus SC 400 (license plate 6RHP) seemed like a transplant; though I’m not good with the make, model, and year of most vehicles, her shizzy, “old-looking” car seemed to be in pretty poor condition for a vehicle with a relatively new license plate number; if she were a transplant, judging by the plate, she would’ve been in L.A. for about a year now. The good news? She didn’t lose her habit of signaling for lane changes and turns. The bad news? She still doesn’t know that you need to have your low beam headlights on whenever it’s raining outside and your windshield wipers are operating, regardless of the time of day. I know I sound like a broken record at this point for many of you, but the auto headlight setting does NOT turn your lights on when it’s raining in the daytime. Even if you wanted to give her a pass on this law that’s been around for years, she was still riding my ass in the #2 lane on Burbank Blvd. in Sherman Oaks in late morning rush hour traffic. Oh, did I mention that it was raining? Not too bright is she? Someone ought to tell her that the Lexus she got from her inherited from her parents when she moved cross country doesn’t stop on the dime, especially on wet, slick roads where it doesn’t rain all too often. To top it off, after she passed us on the left and cut back in front, she turned right off Burbank about a block later. Really? Couldn’t wait the few extra seconds to make that right? Impatient drivers never–and I mean never–see the forest for the trees.

Clueless Grandpa Pulling a Split Second Exit

I-95, U-405 — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 06:47:51 +0000

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The old, borderline senior driving this shizzy Dodge Grand Caravan (license plate 5HYX) is a perfect example of the litany of oblivious driving that complements the aggressive assholes in this town. We were driving on the 101 Fwy N heading toward the 405 Fwy interchange. This clueless fool was pacing us to our left in the slowest 101 through lane (I think it was the #3 lane). The other lanes on the freeway clearly feed into either the 405 Fwy N on S on-ramps–plenty of signs and very clear lane markings. Nonetheless, when the lanes bordering the 405 S on-ramp and the 101 through lane became solid white lines and started diverging, baby boomer here decides to cut over at the very last second directly in front of our bumper. All this was happening during very light, mid-day traffic. There was plenty of time for him to signal his intention and then change lanes to his right, either in front or behind us. Yet for reasons unbeknownst to us, he pulled a stereotypical L.A. maneuver of exiting a through lane (either to an interchange or an exit) at the last possible moment. To this day, I still have no idea why so many drivers–particularly the ones who aren’t overtly aggressive–do this. I mean, seriously, are there really that many drivers mentally checking out from behind the wheel? Plan ahead, gramps….and while you’re at it, check your mirrors and blind spots before changing lanes.

Brand New Pickup Has Asshole Owner

I-95, U-405 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:05:54 +0000

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Well, this is just great. Another aggressive, impatient, arrogant piece of rat sh*t on our roads in a brand new, unplated pickup truck. I was driving home from picking up my son at daycare during evening rush hour. We were on Burbank Blvd. going west, where the street frequently varies from one to two westbound lanes. Frustrating? Yes, and Magnolia (the next major thoroughfare south) is the same way. Chalk it up to poor city planning, if you will. Regardless, given that it was rush hour, you pretty much just had to suck it up and deal with the stop and go traffic. Then again, this leapfrogging asshole felt like using his new gas-guzzling toy as a wedge to cut between other drivers whenever he had the chance. In this particular scenario, this guy refused to merge safely behind other cars when Burbank was narrowing into one westbound lane, ignoring clear signs and lane markings. When a driver next to him was going to let him in, this egocentric asswipe then felt entitled to leapfrog over a few more cars and drove forward instead of falling in line, this time ignoring a right turn only lane. By the time this photo was taken, we had a single westbound lane and a curb lane for parked vehicles. Pencil dick then had no choice but to jam his car in between two other vehicles. He made a right at the next major thoroughfare (Whitsett, I think), at which time all the other drivers he “successfully” leapfrogged over caught up with him by the time he executed his turn. Soooo….again I ask, what’s the frackin’ point for driving like cracked out prick?