L.A. Can't Drive

Idiocy Meter

Asshole Meter

Back in 2006 when I decided to create this blog, one of my colleagues at the time gave me this by Bruce Eric Kaplan. Since I have a story to share today that really typifies the synergy of L.A.’s idiotic and assholish drivers, but no picture, I thought I’d share this comic with you instead.

So I was in Beverly Hills (surprise, surprise) and was driving west on S. Santa Monica toward Charleville on my way to work. As I approach the left turn only lane at Charleville and Santa Monica, I slowly brake, signal for my turn, and enter the lane. Guess what happens next? This fugly lady in her 50′s and a silver Mercedes coming from the opposite direction leans on her horn–I’m talking about a 5-second honk, people. I see her quickly look to her right, almost as if she wanted to switch lanes in the last second. I look around to see who she’s honking at, and the next thing I know she pulls up next to my car and rolls down her window, at which point I roll down my window to hear what she has to say. She then has the gall to scowl at me and shouts, “What do you think you’re trying to do?” My first thought was, “Uh, slowing down as I enter a left turn only lane, signaling for a left turn, waiting for a safe moment to make a left, while yielding the right of way?” But my immediate second thought was that I couldn’t believe what this ignorant, paranoid, menopausal, stuck-up, fugly old hag was saying to me. As she started driving away, I shouted back at her, while pointing at the lines on the road that clearly showed that I was fully in my lane to the right of the double yellow centerline, “Hey lady, look at the lines on the road! Learn how to fu*kin’ drive!” What can I say, the New Yorker in me came out. What a stupid piece of wrinkled vagina, honestly. What? Did she think I was going to ram right into her car at 3 mph? Did she not see the bright yellow and white lines painted on the road? This road was redone not too long ago, so all the painted lane markings are crystal clear. My guess is that her Viagra-addicted husband started boning a woman 30 years younger, leaving her feeling inferior and pathetic. Hey lady, take your problems to a therapist and off the road. Beware of a over-dressed lady in a Mercedes with dyed brown hair, super thick glasses, and way too much makeup. She’s also a small hop away from being a senior citizen, so let’s group her in that category as well.

Filed under: aggressive, cell phone, clueless, observation, senior, speeding, tailgating