L.A. Can't Drive

Nissan Altima Trunk Flapping Like a Venus Flytrap

Nissan Altima 6TYX
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Pssst, hey lady in the Nissan Altima (license plate 6TYX). Your trunk is open. At first I thought you had something bulky in the back, but the trunk wasn’t even roped down. In fact, when you erratically stopped at a red light, the whole friggen lid popped open. You may need to tidy up your trunk a bit. I definitely saw some clothes strewn around that could use a good wash. But I like that you had jumper cables…way to stay on top of things in case you find yourself or someone else in a jam. Anyway, I could’ve sworn that you noticed your trunk flapping like undies in the wind, especially with your herky-jerky, non-signaling lane-changing talents. Didn’t feel the need to pull over and quickly remedy the situation? OK, maybe next time. Or maybe check your rearview mirror once in awhile. Just a suggestion for the next time you venture toward Downtown LA. on Wilshire.

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Reading on the Freeway and Running Stop Signs

Chevy Traverse
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Before I talk about the jackass transplant (or visitor, perhaps) from Washington State, what’s with the plethora of numbnuts blatantly ignoring stop signs lately? Yesterday, I was in West L.A. on a side street during evening rush hour, and these stereotypical looking gangbangers literally blew through a stop sign…didn’t even slow down. These smug arrogant fu*kers with their pathetic shoulder slants were just asking for a reason to get in a fight with someone, almost inviting cars to hit them. Then this afternoon while traveling east on Magnolia, this moron from the south made a right turn onto Magnolia without slowing down for his stop sign directly in front of our car. I doubt the toolbag even glanced in our direction, though he saw me give him a sarcastic thumbs up while mouthing “good job, genius”, which he clearly saw through his rearview mirror because his car really was that close to my front bumper while I was hitting the brakes. I think he flipped me the bird, though I couldn’t tell with the literal rack of shirts hanging from a pole suspended over his rear seats. Then a mere hour later at the Fashion Square Mall by Woodman and Riverside, another douche in a minivan ignored the painted stop sign on the ground and basic right-of-way rules by turning a left directly in front of us as we were going straight toward his location from his left. I stared at the driver with this “are you kidding me?” look, but he stubbornly stared ahead. No apologetic wave or gesture of thanks. Nada. In short, stereotypical arrogant, entitled, oblivious Los Angeles driving from people of all socioeconomic backgrounds are in full force these days. Maybe we had too many blood moons in one year, but whatever the reason, defensive drivers need to be extra vigilant around these sh*t-for-brains.

Now that I got that off my chest, allow me to address the moron driving the Chevy Traverse SUV (license plate Washington ARE****) while reading what looked like a map or a magazine on the 134 Fwy going East in Burbank. The kicker is there was a passenger in the front next to him who was equally culpable for such asinine driving behavior. I’m sorry, but if I were a passenger in a car and the driver was browsing the funnies while cruising on the freeway, I wouldn’t be polite like a friggen model minority Asian and keep my mouth shut. I don’t care if we’re strangers…I would tell the dork to stupid paper down and stop steering with his fuc*ing knees. They also seemed completely unfazed that they were traveling way below the speed of surrounding traffic–a good 10-15 MPH slower than everyone else. Hopefully, they were just visiting or taking a road trip, though they would fit right in with the rest of the godawful drivers here if they are recent transplants.

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Drivers in Northern California Still Vastly Superior to Drivers in L.A.

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Yes, we’re still around, but we kept that last post up front and center for a couple weeks because it was not only well-written but also insightful. I’ve also been inundated with a slew of weddings, the most recent being up north in Sonoma. My wife and I naturally took this opportunity to road trip and enjoy 7 hours each way of conversation without the kids yelling in the backseat and blasting a playlist that alternates “Let It Go” and “Everything Is Awesome!” on endless repeat (thank you, grandparents!). It’s amazing how rejuvenating being together with your spouse for a weekend can be when your kids aren’t there. Walking down the street and simply holding hands is a much cherished novelty these days, and this time away inevitably makes us better (and happier) parents. Freedom from the plant life in L.A. was also a great respite, especially since I’ve recently been told by my allergist that I’m allergic to basically every single type of tree, grass, or weed in Southern California. Lovely. Needless to say, hanging out with friends and walking around lush trees and majestic redwoods in cool weather at higher elevations while squeezing in visits to two wineries was exactly what we needed this past weekend.

However, I would be remiss to not point out also how nice it was to get away from the asinine drivers in Los Angeles. Yes, you have your speeding, California-Cutting assholes up north, but they are not nearly as abundant as the heat-stroked jackasses of Los Angeles. Imagine driving in rush hour where drivers both signaled and respected others who signaled, didn’t tailgate, and actually understood the concept of passing and merging. Also, these drivers understood that rush hour means traffic! Well, I’ll be damned, what a revelation for the so many impatient, frustrated, dickheads and bitches here who often makes congestion worse by succumbing to a potent cocktail of their selfishness and lack of impulse control. Over the years, we have consistently found this to be the case whenever we’ve ventured north, whether it be San Jose, San Francisco, Oakland, wine country, etc. In fact, the difference between driving habits is so palpable that you can viscerally feel the difference when you start to approach Los Angeles around the Grapevine on I-5.

The above photos of the native balding, middle-aged jackass in a BMW (license plate 4GXN) is an example of the typical road sludge you encounter in L.A. County that is thankfully a rarity in many other parts of the state. This toolbag was erratically and aggressively bumper-humping and cutting off drivers while traveling south on the 405 in relatively light post-morning rush hour traffic. Even if you were a considerate, defensive driver who followed the rule of “slower traffic keep right”, that wouldn’t matter to this arrogant fu*kwad as you can clearly see in Exhibits A and B. His only saving grace was that he was signaling, albeit briefly, for each asinine lane change. Again, that’s better than nothing, but it’s also probably something I subjectively give more credit to given that I’m used to such aggressive driving coupled with signaling after growing up in New York. Regardless, this guy clearly had to be somewhere fast (maybe the potty?) as he was literally fiending for the Sunset exit for a good two miles, even riding on the shoulder of the freeway a few times to try to catch a glimpse of his exit. Dude, it’s an off-ramp, not Kate Upton that’s just down the road. Seriously, don’t so many people profess to live in L.A. because it’s laid back and a great place to chill? Clearly not Mr. Propecia, who continued his erratic behavior west on Sunset until he turned off at Barrington Pl.

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Inside the Mind of an Aggressive (and Sometimes Oblivious) Driver

I encourage everyone to voices their thoughts, opinions, rants to us here or by emailing them in. We got this honest, insightful, introspective email from a regular reader that is most certainly worth a read, regardless of where you live or where you’re from originally. I’m curious to hear about whether any of you have similar experiences behind the wheel and what they may be. There are bits and pieces that I’m certain we all can relate to, if only at the very least on the receiving end. Without further ado, inside the mind of an aggressive (and sometimes oblivious) driver:

“Let me first start by saying I love your blog and love reading what you have to say about some of the worst offenders. I am a SoCal native and would like to provide you and other readers some insight into the mind of an aggressive (and sometimes oblivious) driver. Of course, I don’t speak for all or most aggressive drivers, but I would like to help you guys understand one type of aggressive driver that at least includes myself if no one else. I will attempt to provide an answer as to what makes me commit some of the bad behavior you observe, why certain stereotypes exist with particular car makes/models, what my limits are, what I’m like outside of my two-ton bubble, etc. I will also provide examples of the most asinine and stupid things I have ever done. Also know that if it ever looks like I am trying to excuse, justify, minimize, or sugarcoat my behavior, I most certainly am not; I am just trying to provide as much background and info as possible.

To start with a little bit of background on myself, I have ADHD, which continues to affect people into adulthood. As I assume most of you know, we have issues with inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. We also often have a low frustration tolerance and difficulty controlling our emotions. People like me are more likely to rack up traffic citations and accidents, both of which apply to me. I am on meds and usually do not take them before I drive because I reserve them for my studies. Go figure. I also tend to buckle and not think clearly under acute pressure, whether it’s perceived or actual pressure (e.g., tailgaters). Remember, no excuses.

What exactly do I do and how aggressive am I? Well, the answer depends on which car I’m driving. When I was driving my Toyota (which I still have) or occasionally my father’s Honda, I was only somewhat aggressive. I would speed most of the time and occasionally tailgate those who were crawling at a snail’s pace or those who dared to cut me off or pull out in front of me and proceed to drive slowly (if I couldn’t immediately get around them). I had my own rules about tailgating: I would never tailgate someone who was going at least the speed limit. I was occasionally oblivious (e.g., forgetting to check blind spots, getting distracted), especially in my early years of driving, which is when most of my accidents and near misses occurred. It was oblivion, not aggression, that caused me to occasionally cut people off. In general, I mostly stayed with the flow of traffic, making occasional lane changes into faster lanes, and occasionally hitting 90 mph on the freeway when it was clear. Occasionally I would screech tires, albeit not intentionally. It doesn’t help that the tires have terrible traction. I wasn’t always “fast” though. Sometimes I would be traveling slower than I thought I was (sometimes in the left lane) and naturally was tailgated and/or passed as a result. I would immediately realize how slow I was going and would speed up.

Then came the BMW (pictured). At first, I was mellow with it as I got used to it. It was much heavier and more powerful than what I was used to. The thing is such a blast to drive that it became my daily driver after a while despite the amount of gas it eats. I gradually became more and more aggressive as I drove faster and faster. Sometimes I would be traveling faster than I thought I was going as I continued to get used to how much faster the BMW is than any car I’ve driven. I would mindlessly tailgate people on the freeway that I thought were going 60, look down at my speedo and we’re doing 80. Yikes. *Thinking I’m just cruising along at 80 passing all these slowpokes la dee da *Looks down at speedometer *Holy fracking **** I’m pushing 95! *Immediately lets off gas. This still happens on occasion even today, but I now check my speedometer constantly and am now used to how it feels at certain speeds. In fact, my last (2nd) speeding ticket for doing 62 in a 50 happened because of this just over a year ago, years after I started driving this thing. There are even those rare cases where I’m going a bit SLOWER than I thought. Today, I am that person that whizzes by you and disappears into the horizon when traffic is clear, well aware of how fast I’m going; I have even hit triple digits on practically empty freeways. I am that person that will not wait until there is a large space before I cut into your lane from behind someone else, especially if you are in the left lane with a massive gap in front of you. I am that person who will get too close to your rear if I want to go faster and cannot go around you. I am that person that you see weaving in and out of lanes in clear traffic and doing 90 in wide open lanes. I am that person that (after checking for red light runners) accelerates like I’m drag racing. I am that person that will gun it down a merging lane to get in front of a slower driver up ahead. I am that person that will merge onto the freeway before the single dashed line appears if I am behind a slow merger. I am that person that will gun it and attempt to pass in small openings if you are going much too slow and I am sick of sitting behind you. I am that person that does not always signal when switching lanes or turning. I am that person that will move into a left turn lane far too early while it’s still a suicide lane because my light is green or turning green soon and I refuse to wait behind your slow self a second longer.

I am certainly not proud of my actions in the least, especially those that would rightfully annoy and anger other drivers. In fact, I often feel bad about my worst offenses after the fact, even after I’ve been sitting at home for a while. Explanations? No problem. Remember, no justification going on here. Why do I drive so fast? It’s not because I’m in a rush, at least not most of the time; ADHDers do have poor time management skills. I’m aware that speeding, especially on surface streets, doesn’t save much time. It certainly does on longer commutes when traffic is clear, however. I’m certainly not trying to prove something either. What is there for me to prove? I’m not a big fan of attention anyway. It may be the thrill or rush of going fast, but I’m not sure if it’s even that as I don’t feel especially euphoric when traveling at high speeds. For me, it’s mostly because I simply feel more at ease when driving fast. Driving slower than my preferred speeds is just miserable to me. I do have my limits like everyone else does; mine are just higher than most. I would never feel safe traveling in excess of 110 on an empty freeway. The most I have ever gone over the limit on a surface street was 30 on a practically empty street with almost no intersections (80 in a 50), and that was because I was being tailgated like all hell, was already going at least 20 over, and was in a rush to move over to the right lane in front of a slightly slower car that we were approaching. Btw, she continued to tailgate me at that speed until I moved over. I also had no clue I was going that fast until the last minute. After receiving my 2nd speeding ticket, I usually now limit myself to 5-9 over on surface streets. Before that, I did 15-20 over at will, except in school zones and residential streets where I tend to do the limit or just barely over. I will crawl if there are any children playing outside and on Halloween night. I will still occasionally do 15-20 over on large, clear streets and if I will be able to see a cop in time to slow down. When I am passed by a much faster driver, I take advantage of that and go as fast as I please until they disappear. While I drive fast, I’m not stupid about it. I know when to tone it down. If it’s raining, I slow down and leave large gaps and am often faced with drivers on my rear who can’t figure out the difference between wet and dry pavement. If I’m going 90+, I will slow down if I approach a line of cars merging onto the freeway and/or tailing each other in the adjacent lane, knowing that at least one of them might jump out in front of me at any time. I would say that my speed makes me an alert and defensive driver. I anticipate that whoever I’m approaching could pull a stupid or oblivious move and always know where other cars are in proximity to mine. I time any (legal) passing maneuvers and assess the risk before attempting. I could never seriously risk myself (or the car) or others.

Why did I just cut you off? Well, if I’m following someone in the adjacent lane and see a wide open space in front of you, I’m going for it. If you’re to the right of me, I probably won’t cut you off and will wait a few more seconds until I see your headlights in my rear view mirror before I move in front of you, but I won’t wait a second longer. If you’re in the left lane, screw you, I’m going for it as soon as I can as long as I don’t nearly take out our bumpers in the process. In my vengeful mind, you don’t deserve any courtesy if you cannot be courteous yourself to those you are holding up behind you. Don’t worry, you won’t be forced to slam on your brakes because I will be pulling away before you can say “Damn you!” Funny enough, passing and cutting them off seems to get them out of the left lane at least 30% of the time, especially if I’m not the only one. Another reason I might cut you off is if I need to make my exit very soon or I need to exit the carpool lane now to make my exit before I’m trapped again. I refuse to miss an exit as usually I will have no idea where to go if I take the next exit and will be forced to set up my navigation system. I will have no qualms about this if you’ve been mindlessly pacing me for an eternity or you purposefully speed up to try to block me in. I do always signal when cutting someone off, as if that makes it any better.

Why am I tailgating you? No need to point out the obvious. I will especially do this to you if you 1. do not understand “slower traffic keep right” 2. crawl on a two lane road and/or refuse to let anyone pass on a long two lane highway where there are plenty of shoulders but no legal or practical opportunities for anyone to pass in the oncoming lanes 3. cut me off or pull out right in front of me and I cannot get around you when you proceed to go much slower than I was previously. It’s not always to try to force you to go faster or move over. In the case of #3 and sort of with #1, it’s to “teach you a lesson”. While I’m aware that no form of tailgating is better than another, I would never ride so close that you can’t even see my headlights. I can’t fathom someone feeling at ease when doing that, especially on the freeway. I also back off if I see children in the car or see that the driver is senile. I am not going to tailgate you if you’re going 75+ and I want to go 90 in clear traffic. I will just pass you in a non-aggressive manner when I get the chance. If I’m tailgating you when there are other vehicles in front of you, it’s not because I’m trying to bully you into going faster when you can’t. That is nonsensical and I don’t understand people who do this intentionally. It’s because I’m somewhat oblivious to the fact that I’m riding your bumper as I’m focused on squeezing in front of the person who insists on pacing my rear quarter panel. I am trying not to blatantly cut this person off. It cut be either that I see a wide open space in front of them or I have an exit/turn to make and don’t feel like slowing way down and holding up the traffic behind me to get behind them. It’s these acts of tailgating that I feel especially bad about after I realize what I’ve been doing. I have been trying to revise this behavior by just hanging back and then closing in at the last moment, but there’s still a lot of work to do. In fact, because I am not proud of my habits no matter who it is directed at, I am trying to quit tailgating altogether. Previously, I figured it worked because the most timid of drivers moved out of my way, although it was rare. Then I slowly realized that tailgating does not work. Of course I have always been aware that tailgating is incredibly annoying as I’ve been on the front end (who hasn’t?), although not a common occurrence for me as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now. Let me tell you though that being closed in on and bumper humped at 100 mph was quite an experience. Now I am working on backing off and getting just close enough to let them know I would like to go faster, but not close enough to piss them off. I figured that will work better than being an annoying pest and will leave me some stopping room. Getting brake checked and nearly rear-ending the person is not a fun way to start or end your day. I have to say though, that I recently read something on an internet forum where the guy said he sees being brake checked as a godsend and uses it as a tactic to create a gap to get around rolling roadblocks. You know the type; the two or more people who drive abreast for an eternity and block traffic behind them. While this “tactic” is very tempting, I probably won’t use it. Too risky. Back on topic, I still have a lot of work to do, especially with the oblivious tailgating that I mentioned above. I often find myself slowly creeping up on the person’s bumper, especially if there is a tailgater behind me. When there is a tailgater behind me, I also weave side to side to make sure they see that there’s someone in front of me so they know it’s not my fault. Don’t ask.

Why do I take off on green lights like a bat out of hell? No, it’s not because I’m trying to prove something or stroke my ego. I’m fully aware that my car isn’t anywhere near the fastest or greatest on the road. I mostly do it because I can. I don’t do this with my Corolla because it is much slower and the tires have practically no traction so they would spin and screech like crazy. There is no thrill involved (for me) in flooring an econobox. The BMW, however, is a blast to really accelerate. I rarely put the pedal to the metal because there is no need to in order to accelerate quickly. It would just be unnecessary and nonsensical to floor it to the next light and I would end up well over the limit. The only time I floor it (or come close) is when 1. I’m on an uphill a freeway on ramp 2. I have pulled out onto a street with a blind curve and see cars approaching that I did not see earlier 3. I pull up next to you at the light when red and am attempting to move in front of you on green. I normally pull #3 on average or larger vehicles for obvious reasons. If I was previously behind you and I switch lanes into the empty one next to you, it’s because I would like to accelerate as fast as I please. I used to only attempt this on half throttle since it worked most of the time. Then I was met with an overall wearing, bald, hillbilly looking guy who was probably in his 30s in an older Avalanche that was holding up a line of traffic on a two lane highway. At the end of the highway, it turns into four lanes and then temporarily into six lanes. When I approached him at a light, I pulled into the empty third lane next to him, which merges shortly after the intersection, because there were other cars in the #1 lane. On green, I pressed the gas pedal maybe halfway, thinking I would just shoot out in front of him. The fact that he was a slowpoke and in a massive vehicle made me think it would be easy. Instead, he FLOORS it and I am forced to hit the brakes and settle behind him, at which point I was able to immediately pass him because our little “race” created an opening. Nowadays, I don’t usually literally floor it, but I come close to avoid this happening again. I actually floor it and put it in first or second gear (automatic btw) when the other driver floors it in a futile effort to block me. [We call this leapfrogging.]

Unlike many aggressive drivers, I have boundaries on what I will or will not do. The speed limit is really the only law that I break big time. I am not that person that zigzags in and out of heavier traffic. What on earth is the point? I am not that person that will pass you on the shoulder. I am almost never that person who uses the exit only lane or the suicide lane as a passing lane. Will explain the one time I did the latter later. I am not that person that will pull a multiple lane sweep in one go. [We call this California Cutting.] I am rarely the person who willfully crosses over double yellow lines in the carpool lane. In fact, I swerved back once while trying to exit the carpool lane when I reunited with the dreaded double yellows. I am not that person that will text while moving. I am not that person that will blatantly cut someone off just to be first at the red light. I am not that person that will ever cut off a semi or bus. I am not that person that will drive onto the shoulder to merge. I am not that person that will speed up to close a gap when you put your signal on. I am not that person that will blatantly run a red light or stop sign. I am not that person that disobeys right of way rules. I am not that person that will gun it to someone’s rear only to slam on the brakes at the last second. I wonder how often those people go through brake pads? I am not that person that brakes to make a right turn without signalling. I am not that person that will block someone from merging and force them onto the shoulder. I am not that person that will tailgate a biker. The list goes on. To your surprise, there is another, not-so-dark side to my driving. I am that person that will leave space and let you in from a side street or parking lot when traffic is stopped at a light or stop sign. I am that person that may apply the brakes when you signal (as long as I don’t have to slow down significantly) to let you into my lane. I am that one person that will let you in during a heavy traffic jam after no one else would. I am that person that may switch lanes to let you in if you are too close to my front end. I am that person that will move over to the right when I see you closing in on me. In fact I normally move out of the #1 lane after passing if the other lanes are clear. I am that person that allows pedestrians to cross at stop signs or in parking lots. I am that person that gives a thank you wave when you do a nice gesture for me. I am that person that throws a hand up to apologize when confronted for honest mistakes.

Why did I become so aggressive when driving the BMW and reinforce stereotypes? The main reason has to do with the speed and handling of this beautiful machine. As I’ve mentioned before, it is such a blast to drive and begs to go faster. It also handles almost like a sports car (almost, it’s a damn SUV). I’m sure this is the same reason for many other aggressive drivers in luxury and sports cars. They’re just fast and fun to drive so it’s easy to get carried away in them. Some people just take it too far. While not arrogant, I feel more confident in the thing as well than I do in “lesser” vehicles. I certainly don’t think I’m better than others and think I have a right to do whatever the hell I want because I’m driving a nicer car than you. I’m sure that applies to many folks, however. I am just less afraid of drawing attention to myself. Don’t get it twisted though. I am not that person who thinks, “Look at me in my expensive car!” and tries to show off. I certainly do not have the best car on the road or even close. I simply blend right in since I live in an affluent area. Btw, I am a college student in my early 20s and don’t seem to age at all. If you saw me, you would probably think I’m some spoiled teenage girl.

I would never place passengers at risk, especially younger ones, so I tone it down when I’m driving with others in the car. I mostly stick with the flow of traffic, making occasional passes, and go no more than 90 (usually 80) in clear conditions. I also do not follow others nearly as close. The list goes on. In fact, I often go from aggressive driver to oblivious driver when passengers are in the car with me. For some reason, most of my near misses and my most serious accident (still a minor fender bender) happened with somebody in the car, usually my sisters. We chat it up, causing me to become distracted so that I sometimes forget to check my side view mirrors before switching lanes. Btw, my mirrors are set in a way that eliminates blind spots, so that is no longer an issue. Sometimes their mere presence is distracting enough for me to make mistakes. I have now decided to take my meds more often before I drive. Their backseat driving only makes matters worse. One time I got so angry and fed up with the backseat driving of the worst offender that I began driving like a mad(wo)man, swerving between lanes without signalling and severely tailgating anyone that was in my way. Next time you see an idiot weaving violently between cars and gluing themselves to every car they come across, they might be having a bad day. Tread carefully.

I’m sure you’re thinking that people who drive like me must be rude, selfish, aggressive, stupid, whatever negative personality trait you can come up with, in every aspect of our lives. You would be completely wrong about me, however. Of course I can’t deny that many, if not most, aggressive drivers and especially the reckless ones likely fit into one of these categories. This more than likely holds true for those who have the nerve to flip you off, glare at you, or rage at you for honking or otherwise calling them out on their bad behavior. Surprisingly, I am a completely different person outside of my German bubble of relative anonymity. I am a shy, socially awkward, compassionate person who genuinely tries to be courteous to others. I am that person that hangs by the wall not talking to many people, if at all. I am that person that is a total pushover and cannot say no for fear of being seen as “mean”. I am that person that will hold the door open for you, sometimes when you’re a little too far away. I am that person who will move over for you or stay put and wait for you to pass through a narrow space. I am that person that will immediately pick up anything you drop in my vicinity. I am that person that has to find a trash can or I will leave it in my car or purse because I refuse to throw something on the ground. I am that person that will let you go ahead of me in the store checkout line if you have far less items than I do. I am that person who will (at least attempt to) help a senior citizen or handicapped person who appears to be struggling. The list goes on.

I think that’s it for now. In my next submission I will share the story of the most stupid and asinine driving I have ever done that nearly caused and accident and that I deeply regret. I just don’t want to make this post twice as long as it already is. Thank you for reading and feel free to criticize my driving habits all you want as it is well deserved. Hopefully I gave you guys enough of a glimpse into an aggressive driver’s mind, but if anyone still has any questions, please feel free to ask!”

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Pickup Driver’s Lazy Parking Job in Santa Barbara

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The above photo was taken in Southern California and sent to us at the end of June:

“On vacation here in Santa Barbara with my wife. We went to Ralphs to pick up food for the US vs. Portugal game and found this.”

Yes, this wasn’t taken in L.A., but Santa Barbara is certainly close enough to warrant honorable mention. Any wagers on whether this pickup was intruding into the neighboring parking spot?

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