L.A. Can't Drive

Trophy Wife in Mercedes Yapping in Cell Almost Hits Pedestrian

Mercedes 7DFG
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When I first moved to L.A., I was bartending at Cut in Beverly Hills, and let me tell you that I absolutely do not miss driving around this area. I pretty much avoid the self-entitled, aggressive fuc*tards cruising around here unless I have a meeting or am coming from the Valley using Coldwater or Benedict Canyon. Case in point, I was south on Canon sitting in a left-turn-only lane at the intersection by Santa Monica Blvd. This middle-aged blonde trophy wife (or so she thinks she is) in a Mercedes (license plate 7DFG) behind me was yapping away into the cell phone she was holding in her hand (yep, no hands-free device for this winner) waiting in the same turn lane behind me. As I was waiting for an old lady to cross the street, this oblivious, impatient moron decided to cut out from behind me instead of wait and nearly hit the pedestrian crossing in the crosswalk. Seriously, I don’t care how much money you have, it’s certainly not worth getting fu*ked up in jail because you’re a delusional privileged idiot who just committed vehicular manslaughter. Maybe she had a rare moment of clarity–perhaps when she saw the word “POLICE” as she drove by it–and pulled over to the side of the road to finish her conversation. Unfortunately she did so by obstructing a right-turn-only lane near the Civic Center that leads to 3rd St. Alas, nobody’s perfect….

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Classic Selfish Asinine Parking Jobs in Sherman Oaks

Exhibit A:
Acura 6BAU
Exhibit B:
Toyota Prius 7CPF
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Classic L.A. selfishness was in full display at the Fashion Square Mall parking lot today. The Acura above (license plate 6BAU) was parked right in the middle of two compact parking spots. The Toyota plug-in Prius nearly right across from it (license plate 7CPF) clearly pulled in without giving a second’s thought to straightening itself out. Naturally, one could assume that such egocentric and oblivious behavior shown in something as random as a parking job would be demonstrated in full force as the drivers meander the stores in the mall on a busy weekend. Considerate? I think not. Lazy? Absolutely.

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Oblivious Aggression Always Increases in the Spring

Lincoln Navigator 4344
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Before I address the jackass driving the black Lincoln Navigator above (license plate starts with a 4344), here is a submission we received that we wanted to share with you:

“I certainly share many of your frustrations with other LA drivers. I wanted to submit a scenario that happened to me yesterday. I was driving down Poinsettia Drive heading toward 3rd street (I was coming from Santa Monica Blvd.). The residential intersection of Poinsettia and Clinton does not have a stop sign in the direction I was coming from. However, there is a two way stop sign if you’re traveling on Clinton about to cross over Poinsettia.

I clearly had the right of way, but a young woman ran the stop sign and almost plowed into my front passenger door. She just narrowly avoided hitting me. I blared my horn and screamed at her, but she appeared distracted and started yelling back. I’m pretty sure she had her ear buds in because there is no way a normal person can miss a simple stop sign.

Point being, people need to put their phones down while driving and definitely not have their ear buds in, as that is illegal. Just wanted to share my frustration.”

Ahh, the classic ear bud debate. For those of you who haven’t been following along, the definition of a “headset” is very broad and hasn’t been updated in the vehicle code. Many people refer to headsets as noise-cancelling protective gear that you see construction workers wear while operating heavy machinery. However, others, like myself and quite a few cops who have issued citations accordingly, feel that headphones, ear buds, and the like are included under the definition of headsets and are affected by restrictions regarding wearing headsets and driving. Why else stipulate that having one ear piece in your ear is OK whereas having both ears covered is not?

Needless to say, regardless the distraction, this girl clearly didn’t notice that she had a stop sign, let alone a car approaching from her left. I know this intersection well, as I lived in Park La Brea for a short time when I first moved out here. Just yesterday, my wife and I were hanging around the area, restaurant hopping for my birthday, when we just got fed up with the drivers on the streets and were quickly reminded why I started this blog in the first place so many years ago. With all these minor quakes we’ve been experiencing, we might actually need a decent shaker to get a good number of these oblivious and aggressive asshats out of this town and off our roads.

Speaking of asshats, the dork driving the Lincoln Navigator above was clearly one of them, bumper humping cars all along Los Feliz Blvd. going east during rush hour yesterday late afternoon. What usually results from such egocentric, impatient driving is erratic braking, which makes it worse for us drivers behind a vehicle as large as a Navigator because of our inability to see around its fat ass. It was apparent that the possibility of a rear-ender never occurred to this tailpipe-sucking moron, though the driver is due for a rude awakening when (s)he realizes that even a large SUV will suffer significant damage in any collision resulting from such aggressive driving.

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Apathetic Dumbasses Either Ignore or Are Ignorant of the Law

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I just love how if you’re completely clueless and oblivious of others around you in Los Angeles, it’s still the other driver’s fault for honking at you. I’ve been encountering a crap load of this selfish, self-entitled behavior recently….people checking out at red lights that turn green, drivers looking for parking spaces by crawling in the lane without signaling their intentions, drivers checking directions or addresses of buildings without pulling over and blocking entire lanes at 5 mph (also without signaling), dorks who initiate turns only to change their minds in the intersection, holding everyone up as they try to course-correct. OK, I’ll admit that the last two are a tad long-winded, but you get the point. Driving like that is at the very least inconsiderate and oftentimes illegal. You’re also basically advertising to the world that you were dropped on your head one too many times as a baby, clearly a concern for social workers in the City of Angels. If you pull something like that, at least have the saving grace to admit that you’re wrong rather than scowl or shout epithets out your window. Strange how so many of these barking drivers have the patience and dexterity to roll down their windows to curse at you but can’t move a finger to signal. Yes, very strange indeed….

Alas, I digress. The above photo was taken while stopped at Flower and Western in Burbank/Glendale during a day of heavy rain at the end of February. This was taken mid-day around 2 pm, the sky was dark and cloudy, and the rain was coming down at a steady clip. Yet in this smallest sample size of drivers on the street, half of the cars in the photo don’t have their headlights on. Forget the fact that the other half may only have driving/daytime running lights on and not their taillights lit; rather, let’s highlight that only 1 out of the 4 drivers turning in this photo (3 going right, 1 in the left-turn-only lane) was actually signaling for a turn. I’ve lived here full-time for almost six years, and I still can’t fathom why so many Los Angeles drivers seem to behave that they’ll go into anaphylactic shock if they do anything with their signal toggle (including rotating the damn thing to manually turn on their lights). Regarding driving in the rain, I find it hard to believe that this many people driving around in this city still don’t know that it’s the fu*king law to manually (yes, the auto headlight function doesn’t detect rain) turn on your low beam headlights (so that your taillights are also lit, for those with daytime running lights) no matter the time of day whenever your windshield wipers are running. Seriously, how hard is it to do that, people? If these drivers care so much about themselves, as per the previous paragraph, then self-preservation alone should make then want to make their cars more visible in the rain. Bloody idiots….

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This Dodge Owner Lost His Brain Somewhere in the Valley

Dodge 6LTF
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Before I talk about the douche driving what I think is a Dodge sedan (I couldn’t make out the make or model, but the license plate starts with a 6LTF), let me give an honorable mention to a stereotypical aggressive jackass driving a Mercedes on the 101 Fwy S with vanity plates. Sometimes you really can judge a book by its cover, and this fu*khead didn’t disappoint, zigzagging across multiple lanes without signaling and speeding along at easily 85-90 mph. This guy nearly rammed us as we signaled to our left while merging onto the 101 from the 405 N. We swerved away defensively, witnessing this guy nearly collide into a few more cars in front of us only to exit a few hundred yards later at Van Nuys. Soooo….all that arrogant reckless behavior was to stop a few seconds sooner at the red light at the end of the off-ramp? Yeah, that’s what I call poor risk analysis. My son was like why is he going so fast Daddy? It took a lot for me not to answer that it was because he had a thumb-sized dick and an inferiority complex.

The tailgating, speeding moron in the above photo wasn’t much better. We first noticed him while driving in the carpool lane behind him while going south on the 405 around Brentwood earlier in the day. I found it incredibly ironic how close this driver was traveling to cars in front of him/her because he/she was clearly terrified of the Jersey barriers bordering the carpool lane on the left, so much so that this jackass was straddling the double yellow line that separated the carpool lane and the #1 lane. Needless to say, other drivers in the #1 lane were being cautious and giving this asswipe a wide berth. Traffic was moving well, but this impatient tool needed to go faster and indiscriminately hopped back and forth in and out of the carpool lane without waiting for a proper opening while weaving across the other lanes, semi-signaling the entire time. It was only after quite a few miles did we eventually lose sight of this driver, despite the fact that we were driving sanely in one lane, contrary to this egocentric asshole’s erratic behavior. People like the owners of the Mercedes above and this Dodge are the dumbass fu*ktards who fuel this blog and contribute to this city’s stereotype of being chock full of piss-poor drivers.

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