L.A. Can't Drive

Happy New Year – New 2016 California Driving Laws

Infiniti Q50 B31
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Happy New Year! The roads were blissful during the lull between Christmas and New Year’s, but alas our freeway holiday respite is over. What has arrived in full force are angry drivers who absolutely do not want to go back to work. Let’s be honest, who actually works in L.A.? On any given weekday, you’ll see tons of people hanging out at Intelligentsia, Lemonade, King’s Road Cafe, etc. Sweet Butter is my favorite local hangout of clear industry professionals (or wannabes) who like normal tasty food at exorbitant prices. After all, you’re not truly a writer until you’re sipping a foam decorated $6 cappuccino in a ceramic cup under a portico. But hey, at least there’s free wifi.

But I digress….Along with the new year is a list of new laws that we all need to be aware of. There are more than these two, so I suggest you do a quick internet search about them. For example, the recommendation on how long a child has to be rear-facing in a car seat is no longer a recommendation:

AB53: Child Safety Seats
Children under age 2 must be secured in a rear-facing child passenger restraint system when being driven in a motor vehicle, unless the child weighs 40 or more pounds or is 40 or more inches tall. Previously, only children under age 1 were required to be so restrained.

The debate on whether earbuds or headphones are allowed due to vague wording regarding headsets in the current California Vehicle Code is also no longer an issue thanks to this clarification:

SB491: Earbud Use
While operating a motor vehicle or bicycle, drivers and cyclists cannot wear headsets or ear buds that cover, rest on or are inserted in both ears. Emergency responders and wearers of hearing aids are excepted. The law was enacted to ensure that motorists can hear sirens and other safety alerts.

So those white ear buds you guys stick in your ears to jam harder to your dubstep playlist (or secret Bieber/Cyrus/Lovato mix) has never been legal and is further clarified as being illegal as of January 1, 2016. Those unfortunate few who have been ticketed for such offenses in the past can now at least rest assured that your civil liberties weren’t violated. Yes, folks, it actually is important to listen to traffic sounds and not tune out the world while you’re driving–all together now, can we say: observation?

I doubt the driver of the Infiniti Q50 above can even spell observation, though he had the ability to order an off-colored vanity plate (license plate starting with B31). This crazy nut job was speeding, tailgating, and weaving for no reason last week going west on Magnolia. As stated above, there were very few cars on the street, so there was absolutely no need to rush to each subsequent red light like a rejected teenager belting to the sorrowful tunes of Adele. Maybe he was lamenting that so many aggressive drivers were out of town and was actually missing some speedy action in his otherwise mundane life. Needless to say, he never signaled throughout this stretch of erratic driving, and thankfully we split ways as he made a right onto Kester Ave. (again, without signaling).

Dumbass Entitled Lady in Mercedes Tries to Force a Crash

Mercedes GLA 250 7LJJ
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Do you know why luxury drivers have a bad rap, other than the fact that they rarely signal? Because of the self-entitled, arrogant attitudes like the bitch driving this courtesy vehicle was displaying on Ventura a couple weeks ago in Sherman Oaks (by Willis Ave.). For many, driving a courtesy vehicle is like driving a new car with no plates, giving assholes the license to drive with abandon and reckless anonymity. This lady in her 50s may look like a former debutante and graduate of a finishing school with her perfect posture and attire dressed to the 9s, but her demeanor was totally low-class bush league behavior.

We first encountered her while signaling to enter the left lane from the right with plenty of clearance. This lady who well behind us opted to step on, rather than ease off, the accelerator and honked as we finished our lane change. That’s when I noticed she was yet another Mercedes driver who not only likely rarely signals but also doesn’t respect other signaling drivers. She then proceeded to steer her car into the right lane, pull up next to us, and then glare and lecture at us about looking with our eyes to see where we are going. I was sitting in the passenger seat and found it rather ironic that this myopic hag was lecturing us while our cars were moving instead of staring at the road in front of her. Maybe she didn’t purposely accelerate to cut us off earlier but drove with the myopic tunnel vision that plagues so many drivers in this town. (Check surrounding traffic? Check mirrors and blind spots? Huh? What?) Needless to say, she didn’t appreciate me opening and closing my fingers telling her to look out for signaling drivers, especially those that had plenty of clearance to merge into “her” lane. Consequently, what did she proceed to do next? She stepped on the gas, jerked her vehicle in front of us, narrowly missing our bumper (not signaling of course), and slammed on her brakes, trying to get us to collide into her courtesy vehicle. Yeah…I’m sure the dealership would appreciate that, your royal asswipe.

Anyway, full marks for bad karma for this lady. Maybe she snapped out of her menopausal rage when she saw me take her picture and get on the phone to locate the dealership that owned this vehicle, because she was crawling on the road afterwards. Start a blog lady if you have aggression issues. Money doesn’t command respect, either…you need to earn it, and you got a long way to go on that front.

Crazy Speeding Jackass in Toyota Corolla


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All too often I encounter some weaving, speeding jackass on the road and say to myself that I wish I had a dashboard cam to capture this crap in action. Thankfully, one of our readers and regular contributors did the leg work for us and sent this submission:

“This is reckless driving at its core. Normally my more recent videos have to wait at the back of the line, but this one had to be edited and submitted early because of how incredible it is. I was going for a pointless drive last week on Holt Ave passing through Ontario and just after I switched lanes to the right, I saw this Toyota Corolla fly up on my rear out of nowhere and quickly swerve to the left. I was probably going 45-55 mph and it was as if I was parked. Hilarity ensues. You can’t see as much as I could after the first few seconds, but this guy(?) was weaving between cars like cones on a course. It clearly didn’t take long for me to pass him while he was sitting at a red light waiting to turn left. What a joke. If he just wanted to test the limits of his little Corolla, there are safer ways to do so. It’s not like I’m a slow driver either. Pretty fast in fact as some of you know, but this is one of the dumbest f*ckers I have EVER seen behind the wheel of a car. Plus, do you know how slow these cars are? I know first hand and you would have to be desperately pushing it to drive like that.”

There are racetracks where people can take their cars for a wild spin, safely away from other drivers on the road. It’s not that expensive, certainly cheaper than an auto accident and the legal battles that will inevitably follow if you get into an accident driving like sh*t-for-brains here.

Vindictive Toolbag in Subaru WRX

Subaru WRX 7LIK
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Subaru loves to talk about how safe their vehicles are, though much of that of course is dependent on the driver behind the wheel. Here is a submission I received about a week ago of this jackhole in a Subaru WRX (license plate 7LIK) sporting a UC Irvine alumni license plate frame:

“This guy almost crashed into the side of my car and I swerved into a different lane and honked. As retaliation, after an intersection, he cut me off inches away and slammed on his brakes- I almost hit him and then he sped off. He was so frustrated that I stopped the previous accident that he tried to cause another. I took this at the light following the attempted accident…”

Clearly this guy didn’t learn much at UCI, also known as the University of Chinese Immigrants while I was growing up. Still is? Yes? No? I digress. Needless to say, I’ve seen quite a few vindictive drivers out on the roads these past couple weeks. Just yesterday, this toolish geek who looked like an extra in Revenge of the Nerds back in the 80s was viciously tailgating and honking at drivers at every turn. At one point, he was leaning on his horn while going south on La Brea and waiting to make a right turn onto Hollywood Blvd., completely dismissive of the fact that cars in front of him were yielding to pedestrians crossing the street. Yes, my friend, people have the right-of-way. And to the asshole driving the Subaru above, expect to be honked if you almost hit other drivers on the road. I see that this happened in Downtown LA near USC based on the photo. Pull this stunt in a more shady part of town, and he may get more than a honking horn thrown his way.

Mom Leaves Young Daughter Alone in Running SUV

Exhibit A:
BMW X5
Exhibit B:
BMW X5
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Moronic mom of the year here. Full marks on both counts for such an egocentric, asinine maneuver. The submitter of these photos purposely made the license plates impossible to read (BMW X5) because she didn’t want Child Protective Services knocking on this woman’s door. Sure, I agree that one stupid mistake shouldn’t unleash a whirlwind of competency battles in court. But honestly, you really can’t get more arrogant and obtuse than this woman. Read below:

“I was at Walgreens picking up some cotton balls, and when I came out, this white car was parked behind me with the engine running. So I figured the driver was just waiting for a parking space, so I just got in my car and put it in reverse. When I looked behind me to pull out, I noticed that there was no driver in the car…that was parked behind me…with the engine running. I then noticed a young girl, probably around 11, in the back seat. I got out of my car, looked around, there was no one in the parking lot, but yet this car was parked there with the engine running. I started to walk back to the store to tell them to page this person to move their car, and the owner started walking out at the exact same time with her son. I said, “This is not a parking spot, and you can’t leave your child in the car.” She said, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize this wasn’t a spot, and I didn’t know that I couldn’t leave her in the car.” She didn’t seem genuine in her reply, but at that point there’s no use fighting someone who’s that dumb and selfish. This was the Walgreen at Coldwater and Magnolia.”

Yeah, ignorance my ass. If she didn’t know that this wasn’t a parking spot, then why was the engine running? And then why did she only take her son with her, yet leave her daughter who is too young to drive to sit by herself in a running vehicle? Was the daughter supposed to get behind the wheel and move the car in the event someone like this person who submitted the post had to pull out? Or was the daughter essentially a place marker, a way to prevent the car from getting towed? No one would be cruel or dumb enough to tow a car with a small child inside, right? Well, maybe someone who’s married to a jackhole who illegally leaves her young daughter in a running car would….