L.A. Can’t Drive

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The fact that so many drivers in Los Angeles treat their cars as an extension of their egos still boggles my mind.  Case in point, I haven’t seen more drivers obsessed with “lane-blocking” in any other city than L.A.  Is it really a reflection of your self-worth if you happen to let someone in an adjacent lane cut in front of you, even if he or she is signaling?  Even if you don’t see drivers accelerate to block another’s path, you often see drivers maintaining speed and distance with the vehicle that was in front of them, rather than temporarily easing off the gas pedal; it’s as if they’re saying, “I’m letting you in only because I feel like it, though I really don’t have to, and you should feel eternally grateful for inconveniencing me.”  Oh go suck on your grandma’s wrinkled tit.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Honestly, why do so many of us here in this town feel the need to exercise primitive impulses of aggression at top speeds in thousands of pounds of metal and fiberglass?  Here’s a submission demonstrating this point:

“I was heading to a local cruise night with my car in tow, almost 7pm tonight (7/13), southbound 14 coming up to Via Princessa.  As you can see, there was hardly any traffic. I’m in the far right lane ’cause I’m in tow and taking it easy. I see a Corolla [with a spoiler...really?  A spoiler on a Corolla???] with the driver in that infamous poser pose: the “gangsta” lean, dark glasses, shaved head, seat reclined waaaay back, 1 hand right on top of the wheel, you know the type.  He whizzes by me and start to bumper hump the Liberty. As you can see, there’s only 1 other car close by. Why can’t this dick just go around? By the time this photo was taken, he did back off a hair, but the obvious 10′ at 80+ mph still ain’t very smart, don’tchya think? What this clearly shows is that all he’s focused on is what’s in front of him; he isn’t looking around or else he would’ve been around the Jeep a long time before he closed in on it.”

Though it is very possible in this town to encounter an idiotic driver who has no observation skills whatsoever, it’s probably much more likely that this guy was just trying to assert some juvenile aggression with the driver of the Jeep.  What a wannabe.  I’d like to see this punk get out of his car and see how tough he really is.  Seriously, who is he trying to impress?  Rosie Palm and her five friends?

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When you’re driving around on much roomier Valley streets, the number of cars cruising around at night without headlights on really jumps out at you. Most of us know that there are certain driving basics in play whenever you get behind a wheel. Unfortunately, there is an inordinately large percentage of people in this town who either don’t care or just don’t get it. Turning on your headlights at night should be as basic as buckling up before you set your vehicle in motion; it should be as instinctual as checking your mirrors and blind spots before switching lanes; and it certainly should be as automatic as stopping at a red light. It really is sad, but the proportion of drivers who fail to do at least one of the above is noticeably larger in L.A. than in other major U.S. metropolis. Case in point, the driver of this maroon Nissan (I believe) pulled out of a parking lot onto Brand in Glendale without any headlights on at 11:30 at night. To make matters worse, he was speeding. I’ve almost given up briefly flashing my high beams at drivers like this because 9 out of 10 times they have no idea why they’re getting flashed. I guess it’s a good thing that the streets weren’t so crowded after all.

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OK, so if I had initially known this guy was as crazy and cracked out as he eventually revealed, I would have reported him to the police. Alas, he drove away too quickly for us to get down his info. His Ford Explorer starts with a 5 and as a B and an H in it. That’s all I could remember, and the photo didn’t come out very clearly. Anyway, we first saw him speeding down Camarillo in North Hollywood on our right at easily 50 mph in a 35 mph zone. The light ahead was red and he felt the need to pass the car in front of him by passing in the right turn only lane before immediately cutting back in front and slamming on his brakes. We saw this low-class, probably drugged out piece of horse manure in his late 30’s/early 40’s sucking down a cigarette, creeping at the red light, and yelling out his window. I’m not going to post it publicly, but if you want a more detailed description, please email me. Unfortunately, we caught his eye (or rather, he noticed my wife) at which point he proceeded to lean out his window and start yelling at us. Most of the stuff we couldn’t hear, but we did catch him saying something like, “I’m waving at you! Why won’t you wave back?” and, “Oh, I see…you’re a hater!” In NY or SF, one would just ignore, walk away, and pretend the person didn’t exist. However, in L.A., you have a crazy fracker driving a Ford Explorer. If we don’t allow people with psychological disorders to own guns, why do we allow them to drive?  Sure, the crazies slip through the cracks and beat the system all the time, but you can be guaranteed that there are a lot more psychos who own cars than own guns.  When the light turned green, he immediately shot off and reached what had to be about 60 mph before peeling a left off Camarillo a few blocks later. He made his left so fast that his vehicle looked like it was on the verge of tipping over. Here is someone who is a menace to society, a danger to himself, and who has to have his license revoked.

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Wow, the idiots out today! Seriously, it boggles my mind why so many drivers just can’t grasp that others drivers share the road with them. I was coming back from a class I was taking in Beverly Hills, driving north on Beverly Dr. just south of Wilshire, and this tool in front of me with a mustache that would make Borat blush was driving at about 10 mph perfectly straddling both northbound lanes. I sh*t you not, the dotted white line bisected his car perfectly for about a good block. The driver in the car to my left and I honked at the same time, basically telling this guy to wake the fu*k up. If you’re lost, looking at street addresses, or don’t know if you need to make an eventual left or right turn, either pull over or stay in the right lane (signaling to the right if you’re going significantly slower than the flow of traffic). But don’t expand across two lanes of traffic at a snail’s pace. Again, what is going on in that mass he pathetically calls a brain? In fact, my wife and I alone encountered about 5 instances of this already today, and it’s not even 7:30 yet. I can only imagine what the driving will be like tonight when “evwything goeth all dawrk and thpooky….”

This clueless jackhole in the Ford Taurus above got confused going east on Riverside when Riverside becomes Camarillo if you go straight, just after the freeway overpass. While she was trying to get her bearings in the #1 through lane, she slowly applied pressure on her brakes as we approached the intersection where the traffic light had actually just turned green for our direction of travel. Um, green means go, not brake to a complete standstill for no intelligible reason. Vehicles quickly started piling up behind us when I finally had to honk (yet again) to remind this amoeba that there were actually other cars behind her–imagine that!

I’ve said it recently, and I’ll say it again: making others pay for their dumb mistakes is unfortunately a common occurrence in Los Angeles. The only difference with the drivers I’ve seen today is that they all seemed to be clueless dimwits–rather than arrogant, stubborn pricks–who have no idea how to check their mirrors or process the traffic around them. Will it really kill you to pull over people? What happens if you miss your turn? Oh no! Ever heard about doubling-back or even going around the block? Honestly, if you didn’t get a decent education, at least try to cultivate some common sense. Then again, I’m probably preaching to the choir….

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Before we moved to our new home, there were times when I thought that maybe my perception of bad driving is Los Angeles is skewed because of how centrally located we were in the county. Truth be told, the area between Downtown L.A. and Beverly Hills is really the armpit of Southern California driving. The new perspective is both refreshing and disheartening. The drivers are no better in the Valley, people, which is ironic given the fact that the roads are significantly less crowded. The photo of this Ford Ranger pickup was taken in Glendale by Central, just off of the 134 E. Brand/Central off-ramp. This diarrhea head, and the BMW SUV in front of it, completely ignored a right-turn only lane at this intersection and muscled their way into through traffic with their fat asses without signaling. If you saw how these tools were driving, you just knew that this wasn’t a simple case of them ending up in the wrong lane by accident; rather, these arrogant foreskins felt the need to use the right turn only lane as a passing lane. Unfortunately, there’s no picture of the BMW SUV because it ran a red light shortly before this photo was taken. Regardless, if you ever find your way out this way, take a breather from all the bad driving by walking around the Americana at Brand. It’s pretty nice and makes The Grove look like someone’s backyard.

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Making stupid mistakes and forcing others to pay for them is a common occurrence on the streets of L.A. Case in point, the arrogant tool driving this van was driving south on Coldwater on my left. As you get deeper into Beverly Hills, you hit a fork in the road: For Beverly Dr., go right. For Rexford, go left. There are signs everywhere, and lane markings and arrows are clearly painted on the asphalt. When we reached this fork, this asshole was in the left lane to go to Rexford. All of a sudden, he started to make a wide right turn and muscled his way in front, threatening to ram my car and forcing me to brake to avoid the collision. Sure, we’ve all ended up in the “wrong” lane at one time or another, but only dicks act like they’re entitled to those mistakes. When he finished his turn, there was no courtesy wave or a thank you. Of course not, especially from a non-signaling, sign-illiterate malignant cyst. And maybe if he were signaling, I would’ve known that he entered the wrong lane by accident and could’ve allowed him to go in front without incident. But of course, signaling in L.A….wow, what a concept! What this guy did is not so different from those who obstruct an entire lane of traffic on the freeway because they decided to merge onto another freeway at an interchange at the absolute very last second. This used to happen all the time going on the 405 N to the 101 before construction helped alleviate this problem somewhat. Granted, most of the commuters doing that just didn’t want to wait their turn on line, but the cocksure nature of the maneuver is in the same vein as above.

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Here we go, yet another Prius driver who doesn’t have a clue about how to drive. I wish Angelenos will one day stop treating the Prius as an “image” car, because people here who tend to buy things because they’re trendy, hip, seemingly progressive, etc. also tend to be insecure, egocentric gall stones who drive like sh*t. I could care less that gas-guzzling Escalades get a bad rap for having bad drivers…but the Prius? Something that’s actually better for the environment than the average car? Of course, leave it to arrogant pricks to soil the reputation of a good thing. Anyway, this dumb ho on Beverly was driving so erratically that she apparently confused herself by signaling left while in the #1 lane to go to her right and almost hits a black Mercedes in the process. Aside from needing to know how to check her mirrors and blind spots, maybe she shouldn’t weave so much or drive so fast if she has no idea how to use her signal toggle and is directionally-challenged. Instead of becoming a more careful driver, at least temporarily, this near-collision just emboldened this image-conscious wench even more, as she sped away, impatiently weaving between more cars to try to beat them out at each subsequent stop sign intersection. Does it really take an actual automobile collision for people like this to get a clue?

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Back in 2006 when I decided to create this blog, one of my colleagues at the time gave me this by Bruce Eric Kaplan. Since I have a story to share today that really typifies the synergy of L.A.’s idiotic and assholish drivers, but no picture, I thought I’d share this comic with you instead.

So I was in Beverly Hills (surprise, surprise) and was driving west on S. Santa Monica toward Charleville on my way to work. As I approach the left turn only lane at Charleville and Santa Monica, I slowly brake, signal for my turn, and enter the lane. Guess what happens next? This fugly lady in her 50’s and a silver Mercedes coming from the opposite direction leans on her horn–I’m talking about a 5-second honk, people. I see her quickly look to her right, almost as if she wanted to switch lanes in the last second. I look around to see who she’s honking at, and the next thing I know she pulls up next to my car and rolls down her window, at which point I roll down my window to hear what she has to say. She then has the gall to scowl at me and shouts, “What do you think you’re trying to do?” My first thought was, “Uh, slowing down as I enter a left turn only lane, signaling for a left turn, waiting for a safe moment to make a left, while yielding the right of way?” But my immediate second thought was that I couldn’t believe what this ignorant, paranoid, menopausal, stuck-up, fugly old hag was saying to me. As she started driving away, I shouted back at her, while pointing at the lines on the road that clearly showed that I was fully in my lane to the right of the double yellow centerline, “Hey lady, look at the lines on the road! Learn how to fu*kin’ drive!” What can I say, the New Yorker in me came out. What a stupid piece of wrinkled vagina, honestly. What? Did she think I was going to ram right into her car at 3 mph? Did she not see the bright yellow and white lines painted on the road? This road was redone not too long ago, so all the painted lane markings are crystal clear. My guess is that her Viagra-addicted husband started boning a woman 30 years younger, leaving her feeling inferior and pathetic. Hey lady, take your problems to a therapist and off the road. Beware of a over-dressed lady in a Mercedes with dyed brown hair, super thick glasses, and way too much makeup. She’s also a small hop away from being a senior citizen, so let’s group her in that category as well.

Filed under: aggressive, cell phone, clueless, observation, senior, speeding, tailgater | 4 Comments »

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Learn how to merge, assnuts. The driver of this red piece of sh*t pickup truck with a hat (with what looked like three other people in the front seats alone) tried to merge onto the 5 Fwy South near the Carmenita exit. First of all, it is the responsibility of the merger to yield to traffic–period. Naturally, those of us already traveling on the freeway should do our best to accommodate merging traffic by not cock-blocking the lane, by pacing, maybe changing lanes to our left, etc. However, this jackass saw our vehicle going a steady 65 while he was still on the on-ramp and decided to attempt to race our vehicle to jump ahead instead of easing in smoothly behind us. MInd you, traffic was very light this night, so there clearly wasn’t any chance that he would run out of road before fully merging onto the freeway. Then when he realized that he was essentially splitting the #3 lane in 2, he started to hit his brakes…at exactly the same time we started hitting our brakes to avoid the collision. What happened next? He kept braking, which forced us to keep braking, since his vehicle was consistently about half a vehicle ahead of us to our right. Eventually, we started waving our hands aggressively, telling him to get in the friggen lane already and stop hitting his brakes. He then had the gall to wave an angry gesture back at us out his window, as if his egocentric, idiotic inability to merge properly and safely was our fault. Merging retards are so plentiful in L.A. that I usually make it a habit to drive in the lane left of the rightmost lane on freeways near any freeway on-ramp. I guess I was due for a reminder….

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Talk about Saturday morning malaise. I first notice this lady driving her white Pontiac as she’s pulling out of a driveway off of Oak across from the Starbucks. She proceeded to cross the grassy median and then made a left turn directly in front of me. Mind you, I was traveling at about 20 mph, heading towards a red light. There was absolutely no logical reason why this lady didn’t see me coming and yield the right of way. She was also moving so slowly that I thought she was just going to stop in the small piece of road bisecting the median and wait until I passed. Wrong. Instead, I hit my brakes and came to an abrupt stop to avoid rear-ending her, though I didn’t honk…it seemed a tad too early for that for some reason. Then when the light at Pass turned green, she just sat there, completely dazed. Finally, I and the driver behind me had enough, and we both honked, which barely woke this lady up. Rather, she proceeded to creep through the intersection at a painfully slow rate of acceleration. C’mon lady, pay attention to other drivers on the road, traffic lights, and everything else that’s driving-related, which seems to have taken a backseat to your daydreaming.

With that said, here is a story that I’d like to share from a reader that doesn’t have a photo attached:

“I was traveling westbound on Valencia Blvd. around 7:00 p.m. on Friday.  There is a left turn lane on Valencia Blvd. that turns onto Rockwell Canyon, where College of the Canyons is.  There was this blonde bimbo in her white Acura NSX who decided to slam on her brakes and make her own left turn lane in the lanes going straight.  I also need to add that she was on the cell phone and had it shoved so far up her a$$, that all logical turning maneuvers were completely out the window!

There were a couple of cars piled up behind her, and I tried to go around but couldn’t without getting slammed by traffic flying west on Valencia.  “HELLO BITCH, YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE LEFT TURN ONLY LANE TO MAKE THAT TURN!  YOU PUT A LOT OF US IN DANGER WITH YOUR ILL-PLANNED MANEUVER!”.  I almost got slammed from behind a couple of times by cars that were flying on Valencia (as they always do, with no cops around)…and there is a blind curve, which makes it more dangerous.

I don’t know why she could not have just went to the next block and turned around.  Doesn’t that expensive, stick-it-in-your-a$$, overpriced sports car make U-Turns…or are you too stupid to figure that out?!”

I can totally relate with this person’s frustration.  Often, I make 3 right turns instead of waiting for a left turn anyway, since this is often faster and most intersections in L.A. don’t have left turn lanes regulated by left turn arrows.  There’s no excuse for stopping in the middle of the road, obstructing traffic (see a freeway-related post a few days back).  I will say she might have paid more attention to where she was going if she weren’t yammering away into her cell phone; alas, this hands-free law will not be able to alleviate this concern.  The asshole meter is also really high because I can’t stand self-righteous people who feel completely entitled to make others pay for their stupid mistakes.

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